So I`m only now noticing that the picture of the Flutterpony I found to show — the nicest one of the most complete pony I could find — is missing a wing!

Bitter, bitter dregs of irony! Bitter! She makes my argument for me!

Skinny ponies and broken wings. T out.

So I think I know what happened to the My Little Pony aesthetic. And I have no evidence to support this theory at all, so brace yourself.

It was the Flutter Ponies.

Peach Blossom on black… black as her soul.
(Image stolen from parts unknown. If I stole it from you, let me know.)

They were the last kind of pony I remember before I lost touch. The gimmick was that they had these translucent plastic wings mounted on their backs, and if you pressed a button between them they flapped a little. They were the girliest ponies ever — they made my Twice As Fancy Sugarberry look like a knife fight at a stevedore poker tournament).

In design, they had longer legs and smaller heads. This did somewhat offend my pony aesthetic, but I understand the change — if you’re going to imbue a horse with the power of flight on gossamer wings you’re probably gonna wanna lithe `em up a little bit.

But these skinny ponies had a deadly Soul Caliber combo of planned obsolescence that must have sent pony collectors racing to Kay-Bees all over the country to clean them out:

• The wings were fragile.
• The wings fit only in their respective sides — the right wing in the right clip, and the left wing in the left.
• The wings CAME OFF. EASILY. And vanished.

I took pretty good care of all my ponies, but those clear plastic wings just took the hell off. On eBay, “mint” for a Flutter Pony uniformly means “mint with no wings.” A Flutter with mail-order replacement wings goes for about $60, and a Flutter mint-in-box goes for about a hundred.

So I visualize kids across America going nuts for these ponies and their new hottness wings. And I visualize Hasbro mistaking the demand as being about their slim design and not their fruit fly lifespans. Next thing you know, all the ponies are skinny and I have the vapors.

That’s my theory.

So I’ve been spending some time on eBay, bidding on really important stuff like velour shirts and old running shorts, and I noticed what happened to my beloved My Little Ponies when I wasn’t paying attention. Y’see, my peak pony-acquisition era was 1983-1987 (not including the modern resurgence), and at this time the ponies were the most charming and aesthetic things you`d ever care to see:

Awwww.

They had big, wide-set eyes and big round heads and stumpy legs and fulfilled the Greek ideal of a toy pony in every way. To this day they are traceable as the primary influence of my perception of the feminine ideal. Forget Barbie — if any enterprising women’s studies student wants to get to the bottom of the American obsession with makeup, Caucasian hair and a full but firmly shut mouth… it’s the ponies.

Anyway.

In 1988, when I wasn’t looking, the ponies went all to heck.

Shiat.

I have no idea why Hasbro decided this was a good plan. Maybe they felt like they ran out of ideas. In 1987, they put out Big Brother ponies, So Soft ponies, Sundae Best ponies, Twice as Fancy ponies, Flutterponies, and the ones with the jeweled eyes that I didn’t really get into (see rant on feminine ideal above), and judging by the number my family consumed these were all very successful. So the only direction to move after this flurry of activity was the realm of SUCK.

The new ponies had smaller heads, longer legs, longer hair and slimmer bodies. And their faces were more human, with shorter noses and their eyes oriented more to the front. I think Desmond Morris suitably covered the precarious girlhood fascination with horses` long hair, round asses and “teetering walk” in The Naked Ape. I also think turning ponies into homely-ass Barbies was DUMB. They cruised right over the cuteness crest into the Uncanny Valley.

I lost 25 lbs. and got stipuder with HASBRO!

My Little Ponies are still available, and Hasbro has tried to go back to their rounder, softer, less dumb form. It ain’t working for me. If you want your ponies on the cheap, search for “pony lot” on eBay. And if there’s a new model pony in there, you just look away.

Some pictures of rolled hats from my dad’s Vietnam time.

Apparently they aren’t allowed to do this in the desert. It would be unseemly for a ready, deadly fighting force to customize their cover.

Can I tell you a story?

This is called Fight vs. Flight.

Me and a friend–we`ll just call him Bill–were rounding a corner walking in my neighborhood when we were startled by a loud, large barking dog.

Me, standing my ground and bracing myself: “Jesus!”

Bill, leaping balletically and running: “Shit!”

We then realized the dog was chained.

Me: “You just have to outrun me, huh?”

Bill: “I would have pushed you down if I`d thought to.”