12 Lingering Questions about Star Trek Into Darkness
Star Trek Into Darkness is optimal for heckling. It just wants to make you happy and feel a few feels. The actors are game and totally committed. It’s fun, fast and smart enough that its occasional nonsense isn’t offensive. I would gladly see it again. I would gladly buy it or put it in my Netflix queue.
Duster in Cryptkeeper Black by Hugo Boss
It makes finding haughty questions a worthwhile sport.
So let us find them.
Spoilers abound.
In no particular order.
- 1) Why is the full-body Alice Eve underpants shot in the trailer from a fleeting, gratuitous moment in the movie? Yes, this question is mostly rhetorical. I also stand by my assertion that all lady underpants shots played for laughs should have mismatched bra and undies. Ain’t nobody wearing matching undies that isn’t planning to have somebody see them. (See Fantastic Four for prior offense.)
- 2) Why does Karl Urban’s scenery-chomping Bones need Khan’s blood specifically? Doesn’t he have 72 handy frozen bodies with similarly super-powered blood?
- 3) How does Captain Kirk in another solar system make a cell-phone call to Scotty in San Francisco? Not even a satellite delay. That’s a very smart phone.
But the roaming charges are MURDER
- 4) Why does Captain Kirk wait until the last minute to deploy his murderous-native-distracting scroll? And why was it they were on that planet in the first place, if not to neutralize the volcano? And why did they have a volcano-neutralizing kit handy?
- 5) Speaking of, why do all these volcano-neutralizing devices and warp cores need to be managed by hand? Can’t we get some remote control/robots up in this piece? Not to sound meatist, but I think that’s an android on the bridge with the pale complexion and skull vent. Can we use one of his ilk for some of the more life-threatening stuff?
- 6) Also — I saw some people/beings with the wisdom to wear hazmat suits in proximity to Kirk’s heavily-irradiated body. However Bones is not one of them. Also the hazmat masks had only one aperture — for the right eye. I really have no idea what was going on there.
Would this face irradiate you, baby?
- 7) Did Captain Kirk ever figure out that his deceit-by-omission of Starfleet was way worse than Spock’s honest “backstabbing”?
- 8) Can Benedict Cumberbatch move his face above the mouth? Does the sound of his own Smauglike voice give him a boner? Can be he blamed?
Please forgive my self-induced voice boner
- 9) How and when did Spock develop insane superpowers of leaping and punching in the face? Also — Uhura is the world champion of “No, Spock, it’s too dangerous!” up until bloody revenge is on the line. Then she’s all like, “GO GET ‘EM.”
- 10) Why did
RobocopAdmiral Such-And-Such send all 72 bodies/torpedoes with Kirk? (Both Khan and the admiral explain that the admiral knew the torpedoes had bodies in them.) Did he really expect Kirk to use all 72? Or something?
Captain Kirk, renowned torpedo enthusiast
- 11) Why not send a secret agent captain with the torpedoes/plan instead of patsy Kirk?
- 12) Is anybody flipping out about all the Enterprise crew members and civilians who got killed during this movie?
A-a-a-and SPENT.
If you like thoughtful heckling, you might also enjoy:
Have you ever actually seen the show or watched the movie?
1. Kirk is known to be a horn-dog. Not a pervert, but he gratuitously sleeps with women both on the show and in the movies. Hence, he can’t help but take a peek. And you’re saying that every woman who wears matching underwear is a slut? Really?
2. True. But we’re not sure how long the de-frosting process takes, or if all of his crew have the same healing properties that he has. He is their leader for a reason. And why would you want to awaken another psychopath when you already have one alive and well.
3. Because it’s not a cell phone call. Star Trek has been doing this kind of long distance communication for decades. This isn’t 2001: A Space Odyssey we’re talking about. Star Trek calls it sub-space, but who knows how it actually works? Might as well complain that Warp Drive isn’t a real form of travel.
4. A. He doesn’t wait until the last minute. He WANTS the natives to chase him so they’re out of the ‘kill zone’. He even says that. B. Pike says specifically that they were there to observe and report… they’re explorers, that’s what they do. Kirk exercised his own judgement when he noticed the volcano was going to kill them all. C. They didn’t have one handy, it’s kind of implied that Spock was able to throw one together when Kirk ordered him to.
5. Did you even notice how damaged the ship actually was? Yeah, let’s use robots when we have no power. No central computer to tell the robots what needs fixing, no way to recharge said robots. AI? Sure. Despite the fact that Star Trek has dealt with the artificial life vs. natural life issue on more than one occasion.
6. Kirk had radiation poisoning. His body itself wasn’t radioactive. The hazmat-suit wearing guys were probably heading into the core to repair any other damage.
7. How was this ‘way worse’? He wanted to save lives but knew that he would get in trouble for it. Kirk is known for disobedience and exercising his own moral code.
8. Seriously? Did you watch him kill Marcus? I guess you haven’t even seen this movie and all of these questions are based on random stills.
9. Vulcans are known to be physically superior to humans. Kahn is a physically enhanced human, which puts them on even footing. And Uhura is not the champion of “No, Spock, it’s too dangerous”. She drops him into a volcano at the beginning of the film saying “You’ve got this”.
10 and 11. Did you miss that little insignificant part where Kirk asks for permission to go after Harrison? Oh, and what about that little bit where Kahn explains that he hid his people in the torpedoes in order to smuggle them off-planet?
12. I guess you didn’t care for The Avengers either. Only movies where no one gets hurt are worth watching.
I cannot talk about these things because my head would ‘splode.
But I mightily encourage you to continue.
Seriously, can we talk about why the Enterprise, designed to orbit planets, went down into the atmosphere and UNDER WATER in order to help hide it form the natives? Since when do natives have telescopes and or radar that might locate a ship in orbit? Is there a reason the magic volcano killing device could not be TRANSPORTED to the planet on location? How about you drop it and activate it BY REMOTE CONTROL? Why doesn’t the Enterprise, without the power to stop falling into the atmosphere at the end of the movie, NOT BURN UP in said atmosphere?
And I’m just warming up, folks…