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Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

The X-10 Camera

October 29, 2001 Tory

… and the number one use of the X-10 camera …

… apparently letting soft-fingered pre-teens take pictures of dental technicians in their underwear.
Thank you, pop-up window! Now that’s a special moment!

Rat Race

September 9, 2001 Tory

Did you know he could make this face?
I didn’t know he could make this face.

Stuff I liked about “Rat Race”

– Amy Smart going insane.
– No towel-wrestling with the dog over the heart.
– Seth Green doesn’t drop the keys in the lake once he gets them back.
– Illegal #2 only implied.
– The Lucys are mostly female.
– I didn’t know Gloria Allred is a real lawyer. It’s funnier if you don’t.
– Low-key betting millionaires gags.
– At the beginning, only one person reads aloud the message on the prize token.
– Mr. Bean falls asleep on his feet, rather than falling over.
– Payoff of the dark lipstick on the steering wheel. Wait for it…
– Expected it to be really, really bad.

The many faces of Christopher Guest

September 7, 2001 Tory No Comments

These are all the same person: Christopher Guest. I`m trying desperately to find an image of him in “A Few Good Men.”
If your mind is not blown by this, you are a stronger man than I.

Cast of Friends Trivia

September 6, 2001 Tory 29 Comments

Some completely unnecessary information about the cast of “Friends”

In propagating the theory that you can’t be old as long as you’re younger than the cast of “Friends,” I uncovered some bizarre and unsettling trivia about the show and its participants:

David Schwimmer
Born 1966; 6`2″
Born in Queens.
Played a role on “Wonder Years” from 1991-1992.

Matt LeBlanc
Born 1967; 5`11″
Appeared in a prehistoric Alanis Morrissette video.
Also in that famous 90s Heinz ketchup ad where the guy sets the bottle on the edge of the building and then jogs downstairs to catch it on a hot dog.
Is a skilled carpenter.

Matthew Perry
Born 1969; 6`1″
Is missing part of the middle finger of his right hand.
Was raised in Ottawa, Canada.
Son of John Bennett Perry–the Old Spice sailor.

Courteney Cox
Born 1964; 5`5″
Played Julie Winston in 1987’s Masters of the Universe.
Dated Michael Keaton for six years.

Jennifer Aniston
Born 1969; 5`7″
Refused to try out for “Monica”–instead picked “Rachel,” for whom Cox originally auditioned.

Lisa Kudrow
Born 1963; 5`9″
Actor cast for Frasier’s “Roz”–as the character’s concept changed, both Kudrow and the producers preferred another actor be cast.
Graduated from Vassar in 1985.

In addition, the “Friends” concept was originally piloted to ABC as “Couples,” to star Weekend at Bernie’s Jonathan Silverman and Supergirl‘s Helen Slater. They passed, the show got revamped, and NBC bought it.

Wrangler abuses Fortunate Son

August 30, 2001 Tory No Comments

Remember–this isn’t John Fogerty’s fault. He lost the rights to his songs so bad he once was successfully sued for plagiarizing himself.

Bad Ad Decisions Part 1

Wrangler jeans` new ad campaign features the distinctive opening riff of Creedence Clearwater’s “Fortunate Son,” as well as the opening line “Some folks are born made to wave the flag; Ooh they’re red, white and blue.” Fair enough. Perhaps they missed both John Fogerty’s sarcastic singing and the rest of the lyrics. So you don’t, here they are:

Some folks are born made to wave the flag,
Ooh, they’re red, white and blue,
And when the band plays “Hail to the chief,”
Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord.

It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no senator’s son, son.
It ain’t me, it ain’t me; I ain’t no fortunate one, no,

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand,
Lord, don’t they help themselves,
But when the taxman comes to the door,
Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale.

It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no millionaire’s son, no.
It ain’t me, it ain’t me; I ain’t no fortunate one, no.

Some folks inherit star spangled eyes,
Ooh, they send you down to war, Lord,
And when you ask them, “How much should we give?”
Ooh, they only answer more, more, more, yeah,

It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no military son, son.
It ain’t me, it ain’t me; I ain’t no fortunate one, one.

It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no fortunate one, no no no,
It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no fortunate son, no no no,

Al Gore`s beard

August 29, 2001 Tory No Comments

What what what what? Mmm... so rough...
Why did nobody tell me about this? Why is this happening?
Why does Gore look like Jeff Goldblum as the blue alien from Earth Girls are Easy?
WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WILL SOMEONE TELL ME? Thank you.

Jurassic Park ride publicity photo

August 28, 2001 Tory No Comments

A word of explanation:
This is a pretty normal publicity photo from the opening of Universal Studios` Jurassic Park water ride. You’ve got your Jeff Goldblum, Ariana Richards and Joseph Mazzello at the front.

What makes this interesting is that the guy next to Joseph Mazzello is Norman Schwartzkopf.

Yes it is. What the hell.

Even Laura Dern is confused.

Albums of 2002 (*Recovered)

August 24, 2001 Tory 8 Comments

	Britney Spears Having It Both Ways 1. Longer 2. Harder 3. Faster 4. Sticky 5. I Think We Should Wait 6. U R Hard 2 Spell 7. They Are as Real As My Love 8. Token Ballad 9. Looking Into Your Eyes with My Eyes 10. I Believe 11. Inappropriate Metaphor 12. Oops, I Hit Me Again 13. Sticky (Latex Remix)

	Jay-Z Out of Ideaz 1. Unh Unh Unh (feat. Lil` Kim) 2. Whut whut (feat. Nelly) 3. Sorry About “In My Lifetime” 4. Not Shot At Too Much In My Gated Community (feat. Hot Boyz) 5. Rappin` Real Slow (feat. Big Pun) 6. I Believe (feat. R. Kelly) 7. Roshambo You For It (feat. Timbaland) 8. Doin` It (feat. Mos Def) 9. If I Wear Bulls Gear You Won’t Notice I Can’t Play (feat. P. Diddy) 10. Album Filler 11. Album Filler (dance remix) 12. I Haven’t Said Nigga In Almost An Hour 13. Stream of Epithets

	Christina Aguilera Double Sided Tape 1. More Fake Than Real 2. Not Much to Shake, But Shakin` It Anyway 3. Hiding My Talent In Ten Pounds of Hair and Makeup 4. This Song Isn’t About Sex 5. La la la (Forgot My Lyrics) 6. I Was 4 When Ghostbusters Came Out 7. Barely Legal, Barely Dressed 8. Fig Newton 9. Sad, Really 10. I Believe 11. My Hair Will Shatter If Touched 12. Adult Contemporary In Five Years, Tops

	Baby Smallz Bitch Better Have My Bottle 1. Bloody Streetz (feat. Redman) 2. Juzt a Playa (feat. Method Man) 3. Need Sum Spel Chek (feat. Mobb Deep) 4. Shoot Em Up (feat. K-Ci) 5. Smallz Interlude 6. My Hot Girlz (feat. Junior M.A.F.I.A.) 7. Mo` Diapers Mo` Problems (feat. Funkmaster Foetus) 8. What’s My Name (Baby Smallz) 9. I Believe 10. Too Old Too Fast (feat. Lil` Cease) 11. Die Fighting (feat. G-Dep) 12. Big Ol Bootyz (feat. Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott)

	Truth Decay Four Ugly Untalented White Guys Stuck in Prolonged Adolescence 1. Linkin Park 2. Staind 3. Disturbed 4. Godsmack 5. Saliva 6. Eve 6 7. I Believe 8. Three Doors Down 9. Fuel 10. Nine Days 11. Creed 12. Lifehouse 13. Oleander 14. Our Lady Peace

	Carson Daly’s What You Should Have Been Listening To 1. Islands In the Stream (Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton) 2. Kashmir (Led Zeppelin) 3. Big Yellow Taxi (Joni Mitchell) 4. Lady Marmalade (Pattie LaBelle) 5. Edge of Seventeen (Stevie Nicks) 6. Heroes (David Bowie) 7. I Wish (Stevie Wonder) 8. The Joker (Steve Miller) 9. Every Breath You Take (The Police) 10. Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson) 11. I Can’t Stand the Rain (Ann Peebles) 12. Satisfaction (The Rolling Stones)

	Shania Twain Where Did I Go? 1. Where Did I Go? 2. I Was Here Just a Minute Ago 3. In 2000 I Was All There Was 4. The Crossover Sensation 5. VH-1’s Sole Source of Content 6. Now I`m A “Where Are They Now?” Candidate 7. Hoping You`ll Remember My Name 8. When This is Released 9. In the Spring 10. Anyway 11. I Believe 12. I`d Kick that Faith Hill Skank’s Ass 13. If I Saw Her