** Jackie and the Tam O` Shanter

This is my parents` dog, Jackie. My mom put this gag Tam O` Shanter on her and sent a picture to our family across the pond. Heh heh heh. Not exactly the shaved cat, or the cat with the lime on his head, but still suitably undignified. Jackie’s a good dog. Good dog!

Fan Mail

(The stars are mine. I know I let some fly occasionally, but I don’t want this site to throw up any red flags for y`all at work.)


From: VISTA POLK <distorted_youth69@msn.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2004 1:32 AM
Subject: please read and write back

listen lady you don’t know sh*t about guys you sexist b*tch I hope you die. you know what you are probably a lesbian man hater. I can’t believe they would let a dumb sexist c*nt like you make a test so for the good of humanity please stop.


You take the good, you take the bad, you take `em both and there you have the facts of life… the facts of life…

Fillings. Unfortunately not creme.

I just got my teeth cleaned and examined. It’s part of the grand series of medical work I`m having done before I go to school. It had been five years since I`d been to a dentist. No reason there except for pathological laziness. Straits were pretty dire.

(I`m going to make fun of my dental condition here, but please don’t mistake it for mocking my dentist. The whole staff was nice as hell. I mean, I’ve had teeth pulled and cavities drilled and orthodontia and shenanigans, and I’ve never had anybody who was mean or unpleasant or anything. But the women who did my exam today made me feel like a pretty pretty princess (*glee!*). They were all like, “okay, this might be a little uncomfortable.” *Dink*. “Was that okay?” If I hadn’t been so embarrassed about the decrepit rotting receding chipped condition of my poor abused teeth it would have been a party.)

Yes, I *know* I’ve got 5 mm of malocclusion — could you say it a little louder?

Anyway. Got my teeth cleaned, and fluoride-goop-in-tray has come a long way. Today I had “marshmallow” and it was tasty. I remember when your only options were “bubblegum” and “JESUS!” I also remember that the last time I had a tooth filled they used a needle for the novocaine that was thisthin whereas my previous fillings used a needle that felt like “ow ow ow OW YOU DIRTY SLUT!” The short version is that I`m impressed that strides are still being made in the field of dentistry. There ain’t no strides being made in, like, optometry. It’s still like, “Now cover your left eye. Wow, you blind.”

However there is one I must warn you about: composite fillings. I`m against them

Silver on the left, composite on the right. Can we agree that molars in general just aren’t aesthetic?

I`m getting decay around some of my old fillings. Fine. My fault for avoiding the dentist and not flossing and going to bed every night with rock candy in my mouth. So I asked my dentist whether the new filling plus the old filling was going to start compromising the integrity of those teeth. No, says she (*for now*). But she mentions that the composites aren’t as strong as the silver fillings.

I *knew* it. The frogurt is also cursed. I`m getting silver fillings when I go back, and here’s why:

    • They are cheaper and thus lovingly covered by my dental insurance. Also I tend to trust the dentist who’s going to make less money on her advice. If somebody’s going to warn me about mercury poisoning, it needs to be somebody who’s not trying to sell me the alternative.
    • They are sturdier than the composites. And with Peak Oil coming and everything, I need my fillings nice and strong. I ain’t gonna sit on my stockpile of weapons and yogurt cups and have to Castaway myself. Some say the composite bonds with the tooth so the tooth-and-filling combined are stronger than with silver. I say, if my tooth already betrayed me by letting decay in, how can I trust it to bond with its filling? Huh? Next time I`m biting into a pebble in my black bean burrito at Bandido’s, how do I know that composite filling’s not gonna go, “Hey, tooth, let’s work together,” and my tooth isn’t gonna go, “Hey, man, don’t you get it? I been waiting for this my *whole life*. I am GONE.” Shoulda got silver. Pwned.

    • They are ug-mo. Well, tra la la — my general policy is, wherever you go looking, you deserve what you find.
    • Supposedly the big advantage of composite fillings is they’re not sensitive later. I tend to think of oral pain as part of a weight-management plan. And it seems to me like it’s a shot in the dark either way. My heckling partner has a filling that’s been bothering her for more than a year. Whenever she goes in to tell them so, her dentist is all like, “Oh ho, here’s little Miss Munchausen, how is the `pain` in your `filling`?” And she’s all like, “Not bad, just reminds me that if I did my job as badly as you did yours I`d be FI-YA-A-A-D!” Zing!
    • They have mercury in them. Apparently this is some sort of controversy because mercury is some sort of EPA-recognized neurotoxin (even by the Bush EPA OMFG!). First, I have had two of these in my mouth for more than ten years, and if I have experienced personality changes since I was 13 and 16 they were most assuredly for the better. Second, my dad’s molars might be more silver than tooth, and he’s as healthy as a nineteen-year-old (a healthy nineteen-year-old, that is — not one-a-them Shave-rahams smoking American Spirits and bathing once a week). He gets skin cancer all the time and they just shave it off and send him on his way. Once they took out a huge chunk out of his back that makes me naush to think about and all he was worried about was when he could get back to his lift schedule. In fact… oh my God it’s so clear to me now… it’s impossible to rule out that *the mercury is giving him superpowers.* OMG “They called me Mr. Glass” ROTFLMAO!!!1one!

Of course, I wouldn’t turn my nose up at some gold fillings, either. It’s like that old bologna sandwich joke: if I had some gold fillings, I could have a rap career, if I had any talent. Plus that there’s money in the tooth bank. If I start struggin` in 2005 that’s *tuition* baby! Shwa-shwa!


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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