Apparently I have yet more fevered thoughts on dentistry. I have kind of a tooth fixation, but how that reconciles with my long absence from dental checkups I cannot guess.

Did you know Listerine doesn’t have fluoride in it? I am hideously betrayed. For years dentists were telling me, use ACT, use ACT, but I`m all like, I feel more manly when I use Listerine. I`m using Listerine. But I never ever bothered to turn over the bottle to see what was in it. Antiseptic, yes. Lysol for your face, yes. But fluoridated? No suh. My only solution is to swish with both.

Hey, did y`all have swish at your school? Like, once a month, after the Pledge of Allegiance, someone would roll in that cart of white paper cups with pink swish in them. The year swish went out of my life coincides miraculously with the year decay came in. Where my swish is at? My kingdom for some swish.

Um. Probably not about fluoride. But still. Yay Camp Records!

I know there is shadiness associated with fluoridated water. But, like the issue with mercury in silver fillings, I would rather hear about fluoridation health impacts from someone not trying to sell me spirulina and ear-candling. Of course, I`m not completely assuaged by assurances from the National Cancer Institute, due to they are funded by The Man. But lemme tell you this — if I`m buying toothpaste, it damn well better have some fluoride in it. Why, duh, you say, and when you get wheat bread you expect it to be high-fiber, right? Ah-HA!

Just another “Tom” thing that aggravates me.

I got some toothpaste that didn’t have any fluoride in it. It was Tom’s of Maine. There I was, standing in the toothpaste aisle, reaching for my trusty Ultrabrite, but lo, there is some dirty hippie toothpaste, let me give that a try (love the earth and womyn power and I`ll be over here — dink dink dink…). Then I get it home, get it out of the box, and there’s a little message on the back of the tube like “this product does not contain fluoride because some of our customers do not want fluoride in their toothpaste blah blah blah.” PWN3D. I fish the box out of the trash and verify there’s nothing on the box to give that fact away.

Too late I realized I had been very dense. Fluoride toothpaste says things on the box like “fluoride” and “anti-cavity.” That’s what you look for. Non-fluoride doesn’t have to go out of its way to tell you. It’s like fluoride toothpaste is John Kerry — “Look at me! I`ll help you! Your whole family!” — and non-fluoride is George Bush, lurking in the shadows, saying nothing on its own behalf, and only being helpful to rich people who didn’t need it anyway.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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72 Responses

  1. timmyd says:

    Flouride, hmm. Flouride makes my teeth discolored and spotted. Its rare, but it happens to some people. So I avoid it.

  2. Gertie Farish says:

    You go girl. I was feeling sorta earthy-crunchy one day and bought some overpriced Tom`s deodorant –no aluminum salts or whatever, that , like the sun, or substances force fed to rats until they die may cause cancer. It might work in Alaska, but doesn`t work anywhere sweat might actually happen. Tom`s is sort of like the east coast version of a sports car. Only the nouveau riche would waste money on a car. Only the children of the elite, wanna-bes and those that believe natural is always better (Hemlock`s natural, so`s sugar, and saturated fat, and cancer, etc) would pay that much extra for such very disposable goods. Another case of defining ourselves by what we buy. Not that I`m not guilty of that. Now where did this rant come from? Must have needed it. Thanks much. And also for the Buffy reference.

  3. Tory says:

    Heh! Heh heh heh. Oh, the old natural vs. synthetic. It`s is like my OB/GYN sister`s reaction to couples that want to have intercourse in their labor `n` delivery room. She`s like, um, yes, his semen has friendly hormones in it, but I also have those hormones in this bottle in my hand *right here.* And then you don`t have to have sex *where I work.* Sorry, gross, I know. Heh heh. I was feeling brave, and kind of righteous.

  4. Sanguinity says:

    Swish. We used to do it a month at a time — a whole little “unit” (remember units?), where there would be a rack of toothbrushes at the sink in the back, each labelled in masking tape, and you`d have to brush your teeth without toothpaste (nasty! nasty!) while the teacher timed you with a stopwatch. Daily. It was nasty. Horrid. I drooled all over myself because I wasn`t allowed near the sink to spit until the stopwatch clicked to zero. And yes, there was a swish-thing, too, and the little red tablets that dyed your teeth and showed you where you missed. You know, I think I`m going to blame my distaste for dental hygiene on that horrid horrid dental hygiene unit. Nasty. Disgusting. Drool and day-old spit. Ack!

  5. Tory says:

    Geesh! You have my pity, Sanguinity. There is a fine line between making an impression and warping for life. Owowo. I am having sympathetic flashbacks.

  6. the one and only goddess says:

    I remember swish. I also remember some reason or other I was morally opposed to swish and refused to do it. But i can`t for the life of me remember why…

  7. Carol says:

    To second one of Gertie`s remarks – I was trying different toothpastes to try to find a non-irritating one after minor gum surgery, and Tom`s of Maine, while not very irritating per se, triggered a hypersensitivity reaction that made my whole mouth/tongue feel horrible and took many months to get over. Now, I am definitely the odd case for reacting to stuff, but yeah – natural is not necessarily the same as `good for you.` Or hypoallergenic. (If anyone specifically needs a non-irritating toothpaste, by the way, Biotene is wonderful – not so great on plaque control, in my experience, but great for a sensitive mouth – no, I don`t work for them.)

  8. MA says:

    I`m just thrilled and relieved to see other folks blogging on dentistry. http://neckbreak.blogspot.com/2004/08/oral-what.html What a delight!

  9. ma says:

    i`m just thrilled and relieved to see other folks blogging on dentistry. http://neckbreak.blogspot.com/2004/08/oral-what.html what a delight!

  10. Anonymous says:

    We use and like the Tom`s of Maine toothpaste that contains fluoride, but every damn time I go to the store to buy a tube, I accidentally get the non-fluoride one. And I never realize it till, while I`m brushing my teeth for the first time with the new tube, I spot the BLUE cap on it as opposed to the WHITE cap. Then I cuss.

  11. Alexander says:

    Well, I am a flouride fan too. In other news, you`re a fucking genius. This site really cracks me up.

  12. JP says:

    I don`t even know why, since I have no particular affection for Tom`s, but I feel compelled to point out that Tom`s Deodorant is just that, s *deodorant,* and not an antiperspirant. So you can sweat away, but theoretically won`t get stinky. But I have some other stuff I can bitch about, too. I love you.

  13. Tory says:

    Heh heh heh. For the longest time I used antiperspirant without deodorant. I felt like my shampoo smelled like something, and my soap smelled like something, and my mousse smelled like something, so I had too many smells working. Lemme tell you — antiperspirant NEEDS deodorant. Deodorant NEEDS antiperspirant. They are the bagels and cream cheese of grooming.

  14. bread_lady says:

    Tom`s tastes like shit, too.

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