Underreported Effects of Dreams

OK, this is ridiculous.

I watched three episodes of Series 2 of the BBC “The Office” and went to bed early due to having to be up for work the next day. So this series is the best thing ever and has taught me more about human behavior than anything since “The Sopranos.”

A six-week course in psychology

So the atmosphere of total realism makes the bursts of violence and sensuality TEWTALLY SHOCKING — and I was tewtally shocked by the image of Tim stroking new employee Rachel’s back at the birthday party.


(I am like three weeks away from having the technology to give you a screencap of this. In the meantime, Imagineer!)

So I went to bed and and a sweet dream about Martin Freeman/Tim Canterbury.

So squidgy!

Not like surfer “sweet.” I mean the kind when people tell you “sweet dreams” and then you go and have one and chastely kiss a British actor on the stairs because you finally want to be more than friends OMG wish fulfillment!!1one! Although it was surfer sweet that it wasn’t about Ricky Gervais/David Brent because I would have Oedipussed my eyes out and joined like three skillion self-help groups to figure out what was wrong with me.)

(BTW there is the world’s WORST picture of Martin Freeman as his cameo on IMDb that is making me laugh out loud RITE NOW. Get all mushed up and squidgy about his character on “The Office” or Love Actually or Hitchhiker’s Guide (had to look up his name because he’s arthurphilipdent to me) and go there. It’s like a Galaxy Quest wig attacked Kevin Spacey and turned him into a zombie.)

Point? Here `tis.

D`jever have a dream that made you, like, LIKE like somebody? Like, you’re all like, loody doot doot, sure am just friends/coworkers/minor acquaintances with so and so, guess I`ll go to sleep and not dream about him/her OMG I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM now I get all pink and stutter when I see `em AAAIIEEE!!1eleven!

Had a joke here but it’s not as important as Bubba Nosferatu

This has happened to me a-mennah, mennah times. Like, five. And sometimes it’s kick-ass, like this one where I was working all night at a restaurant and waiting for him to meet me and all night my coworkers have other overlapping adventures and I`m still waiting and then just before dawn he shows up all backlit and smoky OMG feature pitch for Doug Liman!

And sometimes it’s smutty, because, dewd, I`m only human.

110 INPUT “Is this normal? “; A$
140 IF (A$ = “Y”) OR (A$ = “y”) THEN GOTO 160
150 PRINT “Then nevermind”;

160 PRINT “One more thing…”;

If this has happened to you, consider. That. On any given day. This may have happened to someone you know. About you. So one day Simon J. Acquaintance comes around acting as shifty and dopey as you did after you dreamed he made you Waldorf salad and pie and kissed your ears and called you Minnie.

This can be flattering or horrifying, depending on your outlook. Though it is good incentive to look as presentable as one can on a daily basis, to avoid Oedipussian reaction.

That is all.

No, wait. Why hasn’t Bruce Campbell played a president yet? Is it because my feature about a group of superpowered schlemiels working for the government hasn’t been greenlit yet? GET ON THIS, PEOPLE.

One more. It must be rough for actors to get older and make appearances and for people who know them from one role to be like, “Dewd, you look older than you did twenty years ago,” and them to be all like, “Um, yeah, it’s called TIME Look It Up and I`m still hotter than you now CAST ME AS THE PRESIDENT.”

I think all actors should start out really strug and then get better looking and now when Donal Logue goes out everybody be all like, “Damn, you look good!” That would be better for everyone.

Plus four outta four potatoes for Irishness

OK, not done. I feel a need to justify my attractions here, for they are diverse. A while back a friend sent me one-a-those personal questionnaire things, where you learn about the sender and then you’re s`posed to fill it out and send it on as well (tho I didn’t, because I am equal parts lazy and self-conscious.)

Anyway, for “what’s the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?” he put “voice.”

1) This is the best answer evar. Try to come up with a better answer to this question. You can’t. And I have been carefully modulating my Hoke hawnk e`er since.

2) I dunno if it’s the first thing I notice, but a nice voice for damn sure is the only common denominator to the fellas I find attractive. Alan Rickman comes on screen and I need an ostrich fan and a lemonade. Try watching Prisoner of Azkaban with me and not dying of annoyance. TRY.

Trent Reznor! I mean, TEH HOTT

Plus, “Tao of Slither!” would be a good name for a movie. That is all.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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  1. supremegoddessofall says:

    Alan Rickman is on the ranks of people who could get it without asking.

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