Fake Names

When I was a programmer, and had a lot of opportunities to enter fake data that couldn’t be unprofessional like “H. Jablome” because customers might end up seeing them, I developed a system of coming up with fake names. It is neither as entertaining as coming up with a porn name (first name: first pet; last name: street you grew up on, which makes me Blackie St. Mary’s and limits my target demographic; nor as topical as coming up with your Jedi name (not sure how or what mine is, but it’s something like Tojla OIwpewqqq; but still a good way to waste time.

Take a song named after a person. There’s your first name. Add the last name of the person who sings the song.

Wow, that was exciting. But you get good names this way — names that don’t sound too fake or weird. Sure, you have to skip Layla Clapton and Angie Jagger, but then you get:

  • Veronica Costello
  • Michelle McCartney
  • Sara Balin
  • Crazy Mary Williams

It’s tougher to make guys this way. I guess there’s Angry Johnny Poe, or Johnny Feelgood Phair, or Danny Boy Church, so there’s a cast for the next Elmore Leonard novel.

What can y`all come up with? If you don’t think this is too funny, there’s always this:



Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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37 Responses

  1. Angelyne Jayhawk says:

    Notice lately that no one is commenting … perhaps the delay between posts has cost you readership. Or everyone else has been raptured up and you`re the only one left behind.

  2. Anonymous says:

    No rapture for me, I just can`t come up with any songs to contribute! This game is hard when you haven`t slept.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I got one! Mr. Brownstone Rose! Odd name, but if you add a hyphen it`s deliciously British! “Why hello, Mrs. Wigglesham! Where are you off to this fine afternoon?” “Tea with Mr. Brownstone-Rose.” “Why, I *love* the Brownstone-Roses! How is the Missus?” “Stone dead, I`m afraid. She was walking to Cheltenham and a chunk of brownstone fell from an apartment flat and, well…” “pwned!” “Quite.”

  4. FAY says:

    porn name: Fluffy Harlem River Drive.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Joey Napolitano! (Straight out of “The Sopranos,” no?”

  6. Anonymous says:

    Miss Amanda Jones-Jagger. (Or Jones-Richards, whichever you prefer.)

  7. Anonymous says:

    The defense rests… Sherrie Perry.

  8. Cate says:

    Gloria Hewson, Louise John, Mary and Joe Phair, Adam and Eve DiFranco (and little Amazing Grace DiFranco) and the triplets: Emily, Kathy, and Cecilia Simon-Garfunkel

  9. Tory says:

    I loves it. I loves it so!

  10. F.A.Y. says:

    Women like my sweet and salty nut bars…

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