Fever Dreams

Like a Flagpole Sitta, I`m not sick, but I`m not well (OMG references to 1998 are so cool! Pop is eating itself like a Mr. Buggles langolier!) I could mention how many actors in Disturbing Behavior have good careers, and maybe some bad movies with good actors are demo reels for the young and resume updates for the SAG, but I digress like Dennis Miller core-dumping ten minutes of leaden material on Leno. (Yecch. I spent a lot of high school weeknights staying up late to watch a dude who’s degraded to the comic value of an “I`m not as think as you drunk I am” T- shirt. All I need is Parker Lewis and Ben Stiller to go neo-con and I got the comic death trifecta.)

Anyway. Not sick but still feeling weird. But I should mention halfway through my hour of infection I was gifted with not one but two gooey mash-note fever dreams. It was worth coughing myself awake to remember them.

Again I recognize that hearing other people’s dreams is boring as hell, but that’s never stopped me before, so get your eyelid toothpicks and hold tight:

The first featured the film school professor that a rousing game of booze-fueled Truth or Dare revealed to be the one regarded sexiest by the female student body. (I could take a cheap shot here and say that’s like being the Foreskin King of the Friar’s Club, but overall I`d lift a beer with and to the film school professors.)

Ah ha ha — I defused land mines in WWII, you shiksa dope.

Anyway. The gist of the dream is that I was involved in a stunt that went wrong (which would NEVER happen due to strict adherence to the NCSA safety handbook, and any risks would have been assessed in daily safety meetings, but you never know). And as I lay dizzy and bleeding said sexiest professor came rushing to my aid in a comic “I`ll save the day!” fashion, and a make-out ensued.

Teh Sexay, you say! Well, hold on for dream #2 — my first and only make-out fever dream with Bruce Campbell.

I will give you this much to leave me alone.

The dream was that he and I were acting in a scene for a film school horror movie, which is totally plausible because 1) such a rich, groundbreaking role would appeal to him and 2) I am not the worst actor ever. Anyway, we were making out for a scene (which was somehow not broken into tiny little repetitive bits with 10 minutes between setups, because the fever dream gods are kind) and I kept forgetting how to movie kiss and using my tongue. Heh heh heh. Even in my film school dreams I`m under-prepared. Anyway, his character gives mine a splattery death at the end of the scene, but it was done in very good taste.

I had another dream a while back where I was starring with young Evil-Dead-era Bruce and older Bubba-Ho-Tep-era Bruce in an Evil Dead sequel set in some bare white-bark North Carolina woods. In this scenario neither I nor the Bruces knew which Bruce was evil or which Bruce was good. And neither could I OMG dirty!!!11

Can’t decide… Can’t decide — BRAIN ANEURYSM!

Now that I`m almost done being 12 I should mention that Bruce Campbell has visited NCSA in recent memory — which is to say in the memory of the 4th years currently in attendance. I would like to express how much I would love for him to visit again now that I`m here, but since I realize I would just blush and pee and pee blush it’s probably best that I stay on the giggling fringes. The Bruce Campbells of the world don’t need to limp back to their hotels will pee spray on their pant legs. Again.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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  1. Katie says:

    I am insanely jealous of anyone who is able to dream about making out with Bruce. You lucky, lucky girl.

  2. supremegoddessofall says:

    Sigh. I remember when Dennis was god. Now he`s a neo-con from hell. WHY, DENNIS, WHY?????

  3. D says:

    Hail to the King, Baby.

  4. merialiss says:

    Please don`t scare me any more with images of the comic-death trifecta. Dennis is just sad post NFL. And I don`t envy your dream at all. I got to dream about sleeping for six months after a burning disfiguring accident that left my face scarred beyond recognition. I woke up with a hairless new face and a chipper attitude and a newfound adoration of my significant other.

  5. Brandon says:

    Mind if I use Pee Shivers as an actual band name, or will you sue me? 😀

  6. Tory says:

    The Pee Shivers! It would be my greate honor and pleasure for there to be real Pee Shivers. Especially if I can open for them. Heh heh heh. Open for them. I am twelve. Tonight at The Brewery — The Pee Shivers, with special guest Page Fault and the Critical Stops.

  7. veeshan zek says:


  8. Tory says:

    So last night I dreamed I was in a colony of prostitutes serving a colony of burn victims. And a big group of the burn victims were injured in the same incident, where some had shoved others down to try to escape, so they had all these horrible recollections of each other. Wacky five-minute short, anyone?

  9. katya says:

    That sounds like a wacky surrealist clown adaptation of “The English Patient” to me.

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