It’s hecklin` time again! I got to dial the heckle-ometer up to 11 before I become suitably humbled by the movie-making experience and can never heckle again.
Entrapment. What a wasted opportunity. I had seen it when it came out, but they were showing it at the film school theater (tra la la I`m a pretty pretty film school princess) so I got my Catherine Zeta on again. It was weirdly better the second time — maybe because of the whole “holy crap I`m in film school” experience — but that’s not going to hold back the heckling. Oh no. Hold on to your Samuel L. Butts.
The camera’s over there, love.
The Big Stuff
- If MacDougal (Sean Connery) knows all along that Gin (Catherine Zeta — nice character name WTF) is a real thief, and he’s really hornswaggling her and stuff, then what’s up with the whole bit where he taps the pay phone down the street from his castle (?) and then menaces her on the castle wall? This doesn’t make sense on two fronts: ONE, when we’re supposed to think she’s the agent and he’s the thief, why wouldn’t he give her the boot the moment he finds out she’s working with the Feds? Is he supposed to be taken with her hotness? Because that’s not how it seems at all. TWO, when you realize *he’s* the agent and *she’s* the thief, why does he tap the phone? He already knows everything that’s going on. And why try to frighten her? Maybe he’s trying to scare her off so she won’t get caught after all, but, again, that’s not how it plays out. And the hair grab and water dunk thing he does after they steal the mask — I have no idea what was supposed to be motivating him there.
I can’t remember the rest, but your mother’s a WHOAR.
- Why does Hector Cruz (weirdly played an Anglo Saxon — like, change your character’s name or cast accordingly, dudes — but it’s Will Patton who went to NCSA so rock) show up in Jakarta to try to interrupt the wacky milennium robbery? Doesn’t he want them to successfully complete it or something? And if he really wanted to catch them, like it seems when he sends in the police, couldn’t he have done that earlier, before they lost sight of them? Not being able to see somebody isn’t exactly probable cause.
- Why doesn’t MacDougal give Gin up at any point in the heist rather than risk both their lives in the New Year’s light string Tarzan swing?
- No Fed sticks around with Mac after Gin disappears on the subway? Um. Might want to keep a dude with him or something.
- Is everybody supposed to be Feds, or insurance agents, or Federal insurance agents, or what?
The Little Stuff (aka the funnest stuff)
- Gin says something about Mac’s contemporary art. Says Mac, “You sound surprised.” Says Gin, “No, it’s just not what I expected.” Um. Played for laughs? No.
- The dress Mac buys for Gin is TERRIBLE. She opens up the box and says “it’s beautiful” (mmm, red and orange; and then she puts it on and it looks like Laffy Taffy. It’s like something Tori Amos would wear.
- Gin doing back-walkovers and splits on a beam in Mac’s ceiling: no problem. Gin trying to walk on the edge of a big-ass castle wall — suddenly spookily unsteady. Ooh wacky suspense!
- During the Chinese-mask-heist training montage, Mac counts and Gin says “bang,” like this: “One.” “Bang.” “Two.” “Bang.” “Three.” “Bang.” “Four.” And then Gin says nothing. Then she gets real frustrated and says “Bang! I forgot, okay?” Played for laughs? No. It’s not like she said “bang” one too many times, or she forgot what came next. She forgot to say “bang” again. She’s not coming off as too smart, but there’s more of that coming.
- Hector Cruz (Will Patton) shakes up Ving Rhames. Much respect to Will Patton but shaw right. I dunno if Evander Holyfield could shake up Ving Rhames.
- When Mac and Gin meet at the train station at the end, they’re both wearing beige suits to blend in to the scenery and contrast with the Feds in a Matrixy way. It looks cool but it’s terribly silly — “Hey, don’t forget to wear beige.” Silly.
- The whole going through the laser grid thing. I just didn’t get that. You never got to see what the whole grid looked like, and I think that’s on purpose. Catherine Zeta’s bends and twists look mighty hot, don’t get me wrong, but I know of no reason why she`d have to do them. Furthermore, she repeatedly breaks lasers that are supposed to be there. Furthermore, Mac’s all like, “I`ll be your eyes,” and he gives her hardly any guidance at all. Furthermore, she gets the mask, and there’s like no time left before the guard gets there, and then Mac says, “Now get out of there, fast.” Um. Maybe she should have used the way she got out of there to be the way she got in, and avoided the whole time-consuming laser issue altogether? But I snark.
- In Malaysia, some laptop gets stuck behind some weird automatically closing steel doors in the top of a desk. Whoa, that’s a hell of a document control room. So Gin is all worried about the CD in the laptop, and says, “If they find the CD, we’re dead!” And I`m all like, why? What is the CD going to tell them that your data transfers didn’t? You think they’ve got TWO sets of crunch-em-up metal doors in this room and they don’t have an audit trail? What, does your CD say “Property of Catherine Zeta Jones’s character” on it?
- Gin’s going to steal $8 billion from “hundreds” of companies that use this Malaysian bank, but the individual transactions will be so small that they won’t be noticed. Um. Superman III and Office Space weren’t skimming $8 billion, and they weren’t trying to do it in ten seconds, either. Which brings me to my favorite Gin-is-dum point:
- She’s got some device that replaces a signal from the atomic clock so that she can gain 10 seconds to do her thing to the bank computers. This is a HUGE deal in this heist and comes up several times. I`m not worried about the idea of these huge crunch-em-up metal door computers being driven by some external clock. I`m not worried about whether you could block a signal like that or what good it would do you. What got me is that Gin gets her 10 seconds by activating the thing at 11:00 PM and gaining a tenth of a second every minute between then and midnight. Does anyone else see a problem with this plan? Does Gin need to write Marilyn Vos Savant?
A-a-a-and I`m spent.