Back Hair

So the male readers among you have been subjected to my opinions on Samoans, Bruce Campbell and Lou Ferrigno. It’s time to give a little something back:

Back hair. Let it be.

No thanks…     doing good…     haw-right!
I can’t believe I almost did this without Hugh Jackman.

This has been on my mind since I saw John on “Next Action Hero” getting his back shaved for an underwater scene (yeah, I`m pretty hooked on this show despite the gawdawful production — I mean, has America really got such bompin` ADHD that we can’t watch the same whole scene twice, so we can compare how the actors are doing? If I can listen to the same synthetic “One Shining Moment”-themed pop song sung four times in two nights on American Idol, surely I can handle seeing the same 60-second script twice, preferably back-to-back, so I have an idea who to root for. Besides John and Corinne. Jeez.)

(BTW, Teddy Pendergrass REPPERSENT!)

Anyway. All I could think is, geesh, this is a crying shame. Although I guess it’s fair that if they’re spray-painting muscles on some guys they would find a way to humiliate the guys that already have muscles.

Hair on a man’s back doesn’t faze me. I strongly appreciate hair on a man’s front, so it’s hardly fair to set loose some kind of dorsal discrimination that approves a region for free hair growth from here to here and leaves the subject looking like Austin Powers. Sure, I do some shaving, but that’s because sometimes it’s fun, and hair removal is the Pringles of grooming — as evidenced by all the seventeen-year-old girls running around with eyebrows like Edith Piaf).

I am soulful, gifted, and very very surprised.

A) I acknowledge the contradictions at the heart of my hair opinion. I don’t care for facial hair (another little-known effect of growing up on a military base; and I realize it’s a kind of cruelty to target a guy whose beard grows in real thick and then demand he rake a blade across it every day (Sidebar 1: Never listen to a chick who complains that she has to shave her legs. 1. She doesn’t have to. It doesn’t affect people’s ability to recognize her if she stops. 2. Even the most vigorous lady leg hair is about thisthick. and 3. It’s your FACE). I feel your pain. But shave.

There’s also the matter of ear and nose hair which invariably crops up on every masculine landscape, and Lord help me I never would have noticed either existed if my mother hadn’t pointed them out on an old boyfriend’s dad as if to say “this will happen to yours, too, so make sure you nag and deride him into doing something about it when it does.” So now I do, and I wish I didn’t, because life was simpler and better before.

B) I`m not hatin` on dudes who aren’t hairy — I just ain’t worried about you — when it’s grooming time at the first date corral y`all don’t have any decisions to face at the shirt collar line.

C) And I`m not saying “mmm, back hair, shave me off a piece a that.” But general dude hairiness, I`m for it. And here’s why:

  • To me, whatever else he looks like, a dude should clearly be a dude, at all times, from all angles. That’s why from me the depilated, tapered-waist Brad Pitt A&F catalog look gets nothing but giggles. I mean, I can appreciate the aesthetic, but I don’t think I`d take it home to my parents. Ew.
  • Body hair — and the increase of it — is an integral, even emblematic part of growing up and older as a human animal. Asking a man to do something about his back hair is like asking a woman to do something about… Hmm. If only I could think of something women have that’s distinctly mammalian and loses its aesthetic merits over time. Have to get back to you on that one.
  • For Caucasians at least, if you want nice eyebrows and eyelashes on a guy, you’ve got to get the hairiness quotient up into “random tufts everywhere” territory. (Sidebar 2: I could write an essay on the concept and implications of “nice eyes” on a guy. “Nice eyes” walks into a bar and suddenly all the sorostitutes want to do body shots. “Nice eyes” could rob banks. “Nice eyes” is why Paul McCartney is the cute one, Gwen went for Gavin and N`Sync beat The Backstreet Boys. And I’ve never met a guy with “nice eyes” who didn’t know it.)
  • An attractive back isn’t spoiled by hair, and an unattractive back isn’t improved by shaving. So there.

The point I`m really trying to make is that the appearance of one’s backal region just doesn’t matter. A friend, who is all the time dropping bombs of astonishing truth and insight on me, pointed out that nowadays people are rounding the bases so early that, when they encounter some human defect at second, they haven’t yet formed a bond with that person strong enough to survive it. I think this is where back hair falls. If you detect it and are offended by it, something definitively is amiss.

The polite corollary to this is that guys shouldn’t wear tank tops. A tank top is no man’s friend. It is also friend to few women. It is the fickle slut of the wardrobe, embracing starlet or singer oft but briefly and spurning all others. What I`m saying is, as part of the hair covenant — dudes, don’t let strange women see you in one.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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11 Responses

  1. receptionista says:

    i love fuzzy men. love them! i dated a boy once in college, and on one of our first dates we were a little drunk and pawing at each other on the couch when i felt his chest hair through his shirt. i immediately pulled away from him and pulled his shirt up so i could see it. he looked shocked and afraid until i shouted “oh my god! this is great!” he laughed nervously and said, “i`ve never heard anyone say that.” everything`s been different for me since then. men with chest hair are now a requirement, not just a perk.

  2. puppet says:

    Now I can handle a little body hair .But now alot of hais i would think i was with a monkey !!!!! But Brad is an excetion now that i could handle all day all night everyday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. JB says:

    I just love a little hair on a man`s chest and pelvic area…it turns me on to have something to run my fingers thru instead of just the hair on his chest. As Martha Stewart would say “It`s a good thing!” Bring on the mean and their hair!!!!

  4. JB says:

    I just love a little hair on a man`s chest and pelvic area…it turns me on to have something to run my fingers thru instead of just the hair on his head. As Martha Stewart would say “It`s a good thing!” Bring on the mean and their hair!!!!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Don`t like back hair. However, Alec Baldwin`s hairy chest is VERY appealing (I don`t care how character-actory bloated he gets, he`ll always be sexy to me as long as he has that voice). I agree, nobody should wear a tank top – especially a MESH tank top. (Shudders delicately)

  6. Tory says:

    Alec Baldwin is indeed growing some laterally, but when I need a refresher I just remember he was in Beetlejuice being wacky as hell.

    Heh heh heh. If it ain`t got fuzz, leave it where it wuzz.

  7. SEESTOR says:

    i still can`t wait to wax between your eyebrows…

  8. BayAreaGuy says:

    I love the general topic, but I`m having the most difficult time understanding people`s posts. Is it that none of you have taken typing lessons, or have you been denied an education? “Alot” is not a word. “Mean” is not the same as “men.” And I don`t even know what “puppet” was attempting with the word “hais.” With that said, the hottest think Alec Baldwin has ever been in was a skit on Saturday Night Live with “Canteen Boy.” Alec played an over-sexed Scout Master, and Adam Sandler was “Canteen Boy,” a childish, twenty-something Boy Scout who becomes the object of Alec`s affections on a camping trip. Alec bares his fur, and asks Canteen Boy to put insect repellent on it. “I have to apologize for my hairy chest,” Alec`s character says, “It can be quite scratchy.” Canteen Boy nervously replies, “My mom would probably like it. She`s a big Tom Selleck fan.” H-O-T!

  9. teen boy says:

    im 15, and i have hairy legs and a hairy pubic area. i have started to grow chest hair, and most people that i have had sexual relations with love my body. when i compare with my guy friends, they trim their hair and it seems that people really do care. some people have back hair, some ppl dont. get used to it

  10. eric add says:

    im 19. and i don`t have hairs on my legs or my hands i don`t know why i am not hairy i want to have a hariry skin so wath should i do to have hairs on my legs and hand , please help me if there is any body cream that i need to used or andy medicine that can help me or any thing. thanks my e-mail is please send me mail. thanks.

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