Dirty Hippie Jokes

jug the jujube posted this joke, which made me happy:

It is said that the former President Nixon is considering changing the Republican emblem from the elephant to the condom because it stands for inflation, halts production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

You like that? You like that? Here are some more:

Hot-air Balloon
Old software joke, revised
A neocon goes out for a ride alone in a hot air balloon, loses his bearings and gets terribly lost. He sees below him a man fishing in a creek, and he lowers the balloon to shout down to him for help.
“Excuse me, sir — can you tell me where I am?”
The fisherman looks him up and down and says, “You’re in a hot air balloon, near a creek, about thirty feet above the ground.”
Irritated, the neocon says, “You must be a liberal.”
“You’re right,” says the fisherman. “I am. How did you know?”
“Because, while everything you’ve told me is technically correct, it’s of absolutely no use to anyone.”
“Hm,” says the fisherman. “You must be a neocon.”
“That’s right,” says the neocon. “How did you know?”
“Because you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’ve been, and you don’t know where you’re going. You expect me to help you, and now suddenly it’s my fault.”

The Talking Frog
A neocon is strolling through his garden one day when he finds a shiny green frog.
“Pick me up and kiss me,” says the frog, “and I will turn into a beautiful princess and be your faithful companion for a day.”
The neocon smiles, puts the frog in his pocket, and continues on his walk. So the frog tries again:
“Kiss me, and I will be a beautiful princess and your loving companion for a week.”
The neocon takes out the frog, looks at her, smiles, and puts her right back in his pocket.
The frog is getting desperate. “Please, kiss me!” she says, “and I`ll be your beautiful mistress for a month!”
Again, the neocon just takes out the frog and smiles at her. The frog is headed right back to the neocon’s pocket when she cries, “I don’t understand — why won’t you kiss me?”
“Oh,” says the neocon. “I`m not really interested in women’s issues, but there’s money in a talking frog.”

Meat Shortage

A Green, a House Democrat, a Republican and a neocon are out to dinner when a reporter comes up to interview them.
“Excuse me,” she says, “What is your opinion on the meat shortage?”
The Green says, “What’s meat?”
The Democrat says, “What’s an opinion?”
The Republican says, “What’s a shortage?”
And the neocon says, “Ugh — what’s `excuse me`?”

How many Defense Secretaries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Reports of burned-out bulbs have been greatly overstated.

What’s the difference between a neocon and a neo-nazi?
A neo-nazi gets you more at Scrabble.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Osama who?


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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7 Responses

  1. Seth Cornwall says:

    I`m a big fan of the jokes and the general tone of anti-right wingness, but as an ignorant Welshmen I haven`t come across “Neocons” before. Ah well, I`m sure I`ll work it out sooner or later. Peace, love and bananas.

  2. astarael says:

    I don`t know either, and I`m not Welsh.

  3. Tory says:

    Heh! I feel very international. Neocon is short neo-conservative, and (to me at least) means the new wave of conservatives that aren`t about small government and states` rights, but instead about huge deficits, corporate welfare, invasion of privacy and making the rich richer and the broke broker. There are lots and lots of good Republicans, and I feel bad that their party is getting hijacked by these wingnuts.

    Rock on for Wales, by the way! I ate lunch on a playground at Holyhead, and even the playground was scenic.

  4. Jim says:

    Hahaha. Neocons rule. Now get in the truck!

  5. Troy says:

    Neo-con is a label applied to several members of Bush`s cabinet and a few writers in influential right wing magazines (such as The Weekly Standard). For the most part they believe in unrivaled U.S. military might and economic domination. Conservatives, traditionally, have been concerned with small government and fiscal responsiblity. The neo-cons prefer strong government and believe in laisse-faire economics. One of the plans of the neo-cons is to dismatle the New Deal. Another plan is to have military supremecy all over the world. A lot of the major neo-cons are former liberal radicals who became Republicans in order to combat Communism. Here is a link that lists the major neo-cons: http://www.csmonitor.com/specials/neocon/index.html

  6. Joseph Hertzlinger says:

    Hot-air Balloon: ??? Since when do liberals say anything that`s technically correct? We`re dealing with people who don`t even know that green plants produce toxic waste. The Talking Frog: It`s okay as it stands but it would be funnier if it were about an Objectivist. (I don`t see how a taking frog would be useful for world domination.) How many Defense Secretaries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?: We have to distinguish between the known burned-out light bulbs, the unknown burned-out light bulbs, and the unknown unknown light bulbs. What`s the difference between a neocon and a neo-nazi? Neo-cons want to invite the world as well as invade the world.

  7. Tory says:

    GLEE. I`m going to take all you people and rub you on my head to try to absorb some of your smart and funny. Covet. Cov-et.

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