Batman Begins

I saw Batman Begins this weekend. It made me very happy. It had moral ambiguity, sympathetic characters and a plot that didn’t make my eyes roll back in my head, plus some genuinely scary moments and an excellent sense of mood. Plus Cillian Murphy, but we`ll get to that in a moment.

Batty batty bat, batty batty bat… 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3…

Of course, I can’t reward a movie that made me happy by not heckling it, so I`m going to heckle anyway. I’ve protected the spoilers, but even so you should avoid reading this if you haven’t seen it, because I`d hate for a good part to come up and you be distracted by remembering my crappy heckle.

Let us begin, the good and bad together.

  • It started out sorta self-serious for my taste (tho` I realize my tastes would have everybody running around making pop references like the cast of Scream on a joint VH-1/meth binge). Neeson stomps through a series of “fear is the little death, fear is the mind-killer” aphorisms, providing the kind of fireside chats and new-student-humbling swordfights that were already homages in Kill Bill. But then the movie goes and *expands on the themes it presents.* After Revenge of the Sith this made my head go all swimmy — a mentor character makes a series of dour pronouncements, and they *figure into the character* and *guide the story’s choices*? Who wha wha? Dollars to donuts Christian Bale teabags Ewan MacGregor at the next sexy British badass convention. Who’s Batman, huh? Who’s Batman? GO WALES!
  • Michael Caine is good. So good. Bruce Wayne’s dad would say something in a flashback, and it would come off kinda flat. Then Michael Caine would repeat it twenty minutes later, and it would sound warm and rich and fatherly and genius. I wanted to try that with other characters, like, oh, I dunno…

  • Um, it’s OK if you don’t wake up. No, seriously. It’s cool.

    Katie Holmes was GHASTLY. Admitted she’s fighting an uphill battle as a 26-year-old District Attorney who you can tell is Very Serious because she wears stud earrings and the jewel tones from H&M, and she doesn’t have much to do but get mad at Bruce Wayne and keep the plot moving, but that’s no excuse. In fact, here are three actresses off the top of my head who would have been better in the part:

    No Scientologists here.

    One problem with Katie is her voice is high — there’s a seriousness that’s hard to convey when a telemarketer would ask for your mom (heh heh — your mom). Another is that her mouth is set at a diagonal, so even the slightest Dawson smirk gets double the inappropriate points — in the car after Joe Chill gets offed, she makes a speech about justice versus vengeance, smirking away. Then her beloved childhood friend reveals his plan to shoot his parents` killer, pistol in his lap and everything, and she slaps him *twice*, and then cut back to her expression and SHE`S STILL GOT THAT DAMN SMIRK! I haven’t seen that much smirking since the last State of the Union.

    I found out from my meager mediocre acting experience that because the corners of my mouth turn up I have to actively make a mad face when I`m being serious, otherwise I look like either I`m going to crack up or I`m an insufferable prick, neither of which normally suits the material. That’s sorta what’s happening with Katie in this movie. I can see a meeting between Katie Holmes and her people and Christopher Nolan and his people: “See, I know I`m grossly underqualified, but I’ve got a plan with this actor guy who’s kind of a big deal, `cause he’s got a movie coming out that summer, too, and if you cast me I bet we can announce our engagement the week Batman is released.” Then everyone sells their soul and I get the giggles so bad I can’t pay attention.

  • On the other hand, Cillian Murphy was verra, verra good and made me happy in my bathing suit area. Whether he’s just milling around being evil or worried about “the BAT. MANNNNN,” that man’s all right with me.

    Yeah, you right, I sexy.

    It didn’t hurt that by his first appearance the movie had just hooked me and I was done fussing about whether the rich-ass Waynes would have had that old well filled in. It also didn’t hurt that the second time he shows up I suddenly remembered I had seen him nekkid in 28 Days Later, and that’s always a weird moment (for an American, anyway). But what nailed it for me is his “the BAT. MANNNNN” moment which is perfectly perfect, not too big, not too dry, and beautifully built into the context: the appearance of Batman pulls him away from torturing Katie Holmes, which is the only thing that really gets his noodle going (can’t say I blame him; and he’s drawn from his reverie with this perfect combination of irritation and coitus-interruptus glow.

    I think the thing about him is that parts of his face are exquisitely crafted, just pretty beyond pretty, but as a whole his face is a little peculiar. So while he *is* pretty, he could never *play* pretty, and this is the phenotypical distinction between him and Tom Welling.


  • Batman on geography: Bruce gets chucked out of a Chinese prison (said a dude behind me in the theater: “They just dumped him? That sucks.”). Then he climbs a big-ass snowy mountain (Himalayas, yes?) and ends up in… Japan? The architecture looks Japanese, and then there’s a bunch of ninjas, and then there’s a samurai motif with the swords and costumes, and then there’s Ken Watanabe. But later you find out this is Liam Neeson’s enterprise, so maybe he was gonna build it in Japan but got scared off by the real estate prices. Never know.
  • Batman on race relations: Bruce refuses to execute a convicted murderer. Fine. But to avoid it he blows up a compound, killing hundreds of people. Okay. But then he goes wa-a-a-ay out of his way to rescue the only other white dude in the joint! Damn! All you Chinese ninjas can burn in hell, but I`ll be damned if Whitey Whiterson goes off a cliff.

    In other news, I sorta wish that Katie Holmes` character hadn’t been white, because it would have lent an extra dimension to “you’re a spoiled rich kid, you don’t know what it’s like out there,” but I reckon if the Waynes are rich enough for Wayne Manor they’re rich enough for white servants, too. Then Morgan Freeman moseys in and says, “Sheesh, I`m the only black guy here? Oh, well, I`ll just be over here being dignified when you need me.”

  • Batman on civic planning: Why does a multi-million dollar opera house open onto the greasiest, nastiest dead-end alley ever? That was sorta silly. At least show them walking to the rail station or something. Or maybe this is what happens after TicketMaster takes their cut.
  • I really liked Bruce Wayne having to act like a mindless playboy. Very Zorro. Also very American Psycho. I`da like ta seen his business card.

    I`m Patrick *Batman*. Get it?

I`m ridiculous.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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32 Responses

  1. Abraham Lincoln says:

    Oh yeh?
    Wall, I got ya`ll ALL beat.

    Cillian Murphy is mah landlord.


  2. Cillian Lover says:

    Cillian is so much hotter than anybody else. One look into those gorgeous blue eyes and I was in love. He was great in Batman Begins, but so much better in Red Eye. I am in LOVE with him!!! I can`t wait to see him in more leading roles–preferably playing the good guy.

  3. emma says:

    i slept with someone who looked exactly like cillian … so there :p

  4. emma says:

    i slept with someone who looked exactly like cillian … so there :p

  5. kaleu brasil says:

    1000 vezes tom welling

  6. cassie says:

    cillian murphy is soooooooooooooo hhhhhhhooooooooottttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i love you cillian. HOTTIE!!!

  7. cm says:

    he is sssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooo hot

  8. PIMPIN says:

    OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Cillian Murphy is hot beyond hottness!!!! i just watched red eye last night, which by the way is a very good movie, and i couldnt stop looking at his icy blue eyes. I wish i was stuck on a plane with that Irish hottie….

  9. PIMPIN says:

    OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Cillian Murphy is hot beyond hottness!!!! i just watched red eye last night, which by the way is a very good movie, and i couldnt stop looking at his icy blue eyes. I wish i was stuck on a plane with that Irish hottie….

  10. CillianCrazy says:

    Shoot. Cillian man. SEXY BEAST! Even just seeing him on TV makes my heart beat a mile a minute! He very nice! Me love him. Why does he have to die, or go crazy all the time in his movies? It`s not fair! Can he get the girl once? Be the good guy ONCE? I love you, you Irish hottie.

  11. CillianCrazy says:

    Shoot. Cillian man. SEXY BEAST! Even just seeing him on TV makes my heart beat a mile a minute! He very nice! Me love him. Why does he have to die, or go crazy all the time in his movies? It`s not fair! Can he get the girl once? Be the good guy ONCE? I love you, you Irish hottie.

  12. alma martinez ramirez says:

    the much handsome the mund
    I love tom welling
    of alma martinez ramirez de orizaba veracruz(mexico)

  13. Skycat says:

    OMG OMG OMG!!! He`s adorable. Too bad he`s married. But maybe that`s a good thing. For anything that sexy to still be single should be a crime against nature!

  14. io...isita says:

    ey yo soy espa�ola xD!!! i am spanish…jaja…i saw 2 films whith cillian murpy …RED EYES(VUELO NOCTURNO) and 28 DAYS LATER…..and DIOS!!! he is very,very,very…SEXY!!! mmm i love cillian…his icy blue eyes are sexy mmm…yo soy espa�ola,andaluza,hablo ingles poco y es por las clases….sorry,if i write the comment bad…..kiss!!!

  15. crystal says:

    cilian murphy is hotter than tom welling…period.

  16. JESSY says:


  17. olivia says:

    hellooooooooo Tom Welling , Cillian Murphy
    dammmmmmmmmm them men are fineeeeeeeee

  18. Cindy James says:

    I like TOM WELLING, because he`s handsome, hot, sexy, good friend, good actor, excellent person. I love his eye, lips, and everything of him. CYLLIAN MURPHYI is very nice but I don`t like him 🙂 😉

  19. K.p... ya me K.p says:

    Cillan murfy is one of the HOTTEST guys on the planet!!!! If I was Rachel on Red Eye and I had Cillian stulking me.I would let him.He is such a good actor!!! He can play his roles so well,sometimes it seemes that he can just diapear into a role. It`s to bad he has a wife.He`s a real cutie!!! I wish I had hot guys in my school that where like Cillian. I hope that He gets good roles he wants and gets awordes for every film he is in. I hope that some day I could get to meet him and may be get an atograf and may be a pictcher with him… A pictcher would be sweet. if you see this Cillian keep this in mined.Pleas. I can`t give out my mailing adderas because someone would probly trase it and… well… You probly aren`t going to evan see this.. well Cillian… good bye. I hope to get my wish. bye

  20. Danielle says:

    Cillian is very hott, But he will never ever beat out tom welling, he`s just too pretty and Tom is just to much of a man that people look at and drool, and plus a good actor, nice range. Not that Cillian is not i like his acting too. But tom welling is HOTT!!!

  21. kp..ya me k.p says:

    Cillian I just have to say that.. O.M.G!!! your eyes are so nice!! I would kill for my dream boy to have your eyes, your lookes. They`r just like ice-blue mirrores that put me in a trance every time I look at them… Even thoe I don`t know you Cillian… I just feel that your eyes kinda reflect your mood and amoshonds realy well. Evan if your acting. What I all wase say… the eyes all wase tell the truth. well… it lookes like fair well to this comment to you Cillian… good bye Cillian. I hope you see this. good bye for every I will never realy get to talk to you Cillian, so there is no use of wishing, hopeing,or dreaming of that one moment I talk to you… so good bye

  22. Anonymous says:

    Saw it, loved it, and can`t wait to see it again. And that having been said, have I mentioned lately how in awe I am of that laser-sharp perception you have when you watch movies? I could watch it three more times before I started to notice things like you do, and even then i`d be struggling to keep up with you. I am – as always – in awe of your brain.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Oh yeah, and Cillian Murphy? *roooowwwwwwrrr!* Even with the scary mask on! I want more Scarecrow and I want my sequel NOW!!

  24. Shestumbledin says:

    I loved the original Batman movie and had been quite disappointed with the subsequent outings, but Christian Bale is the definitive Batman. Cillian Murphy made me very twisty as well. You are spot on with your masterful heckles — I don`t want to get on the I hate Katie Holmes bandwagon, but oooh that smirk! If you haven`t seen Pieces of April, I recommend that to supplant the image of her as ADA.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Seen it once already…..but seeing it at an IMAX theatre on Friday! So very excited. I am much more of a `Christian Bale gives me the hot sticky thigh sweats` type of gal…..Cillian Murphy is just a bit too….I dunno, too something. Overall, I think that it is the best Batman movie yet.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Call off the “I hate Katie” bandwagon, kids. As of 6.21 she`s been officially *dropped* from the sequel! Wow, that sure didn`t take long!

  27. Anonymous says:

    Who`s Batman?

  28. Anonymous says:

    *I`m* Batman!

  29. Tory says:

    Heh — I did hit the Katie Hatorade pretty hard, which may be unfair, since I dug her in The Gift and The Ice Storm… although now I`m thinking at the critical parts of those roles she`s a lifeless body. Hmm…

  30. Tory says:

    I just remembered the part where the crazy-house people are going to attack Katie Holmes and the `fugee from Angela`s Ashes, and she takes the pistol off the dead cop and tells the kid “close your eyes.” She did that good and that was a good part.

  31. Bad Habit says:

    what`s really annoying is the “enemy”. For god`s sake, it`s a Scarecrow. Why would someone fear a scarecrow???!!!! he`s made of hay!!!!! unless you are a crow (and BATman isn`t) what can such “enemy” do to you?? I still think that scarecrow is even more ridiculous than hammerhead (who is a man with an iron facial mask (from spiderman))

  32. Jennife says:

    Definitely an awesome movie. Way better than a lot of the other Batman sequels. It certainly helps that there are two extremely sexy man beasts in the movie though (Cillian and Christian).

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