Showclub
Here’s the script I`m working on for my five-minute project. I haven’t posted in a while and I feel bad and silly.
All advice and guidance is welcome. Please phrase any “it sux0r” gently.
Tory
Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.
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I enjoyed the video game reference, especially the whole The Sims thing (due to too much playing, I sometimes think of life/people like that, what they`d have above their heads). You lost me at the end, though… what`s wrong with Mark, that he`s driving the ladiez away? Or rather, that Sugar seems to know something the other girl doesn`t.. but I couldn`t figure out what. Good work so far. 🙂
Yeah, I agree with Alena. The end seemed odd, I thought Mark was going to get it on with Sugar.
Hmm. The deal is supposed to be that he`s an ALE agent — he`s trying to get her to break the law so he can bust her. I`ve been struggling with how to make that more clear without making it TOO clear. What do you suggest?
LOL the ending figures. Women can be manipulative like that. Not bad though. Now, lemme see about that reference…. here are some of my suggestions: – After the construction remark by Mark, you could put something like “she notices how clean-cut he is for a construction worker” – During the dance, you could have her “find” his handcuffs on his belt, and have him play them off as something he has to try and be kinky – Possibly start the scene earlier, have Mark exit a car with another person in it, who stays, suggesting a stakeout And, regarding the ending, since I think you might be looking for what Sugar was thinking, Alena: ***SPOILER ALERT!*** If you just like reading the comments, shame on you. Go read the story, it ain`t bad =-P *** I think Sugar`s goal was just to find a way to see if Mark is really interested, so she has Fern try and play an interception. If Mark turns her down, then Sugar will know he`s actually interested, but when he doesn`t and tries to buy her a d
…rink, it gives her the perfect excuse to dump him. ***END OF SPOILER*** The form cut me off and now I am sad. >_< So I`ll just finish up briefly, and remember to put my name on it this time. Oh, and Tory, regarding the updates--don`t feel too bad about it. Your last one was only a day ahead of this one, which trumps my site`s updates by about 29 days on average. 😉
I`ve been trying to think of a subtle way to get it across, but lady, you`re dealing with someone who is “as subtle as a freight train” (so sayeth my dad). I`m not good at subtlety, and I can`t think of anything. : I didn`t want you to think I was criticizing without offering any feedback.
I stumbled across your page and read this. I think the gold badge at the beginning makes it easily known to us that Mark is an agent, but there`s nothing to really make it clear that Sugar has figured this out. As far as suggestions, I know you`re limited to five minutes so that makes it tougher. Perhaps somewhere in her dance she could see something on him that would help reveal this fact. Its a very original format though and I like it alot.
I`m getting the sense that she didn`t know fully what was going on though… that she was just playing it safe by making sure he was really interested first, and since he messed that up, she`s gone.
The idea is that she HATES him. Because he`s ALE (a narc!) and his prime directive is to get her to commit a crime (like give him her phone number, or accept a drink, or grind on him) so he can arrest her, and if she`s convicted she`ll be a sex offender for life and have to tell her neighbors when she moves and everything. But she has all the power in the situation — he just doesn`t know it yet.
So when he gets mushy at the end and wants to get to know her for real, it`s way too late. She`s got all his money, so she`s done with him. When Fern goes up to him, primed to touch him illegally and accept a drink, Sugar warns her that he`s a cop. This proves that she knew the situation all along. Sugar!