Showclub

Here’s the script I`m working on for my five-minute project. I haven’t posted in a while and I feel bad and silly.

All advice and guidance is welcome. Please phrase any “it sux0r” gently.

SHOWCLUB

Tory

Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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9 Responses

  1. Alena says:

    I enjoyed the video game reference, especially the whole The Sims thing (due to too much playing, I sometimes think of life/people like that, what they`d have above their heads). You lost me at the end, though… what`s wrong with Mark, that he`s driving the ladiez away? Or rather, that Sugar seems to know something the other girl doesn`t.. but I couldn`t figure out what. Good work so far. 🙂

  2. Tom says:

    Yeah, I agree with Alena. The end seemed odd, I thought Mark was going to get it on with Sugar.

  3. Tory says:

    Hmm. The deal is supposed to be that he`s an ALE agent — he`s trying to get her to break the law so he can bust her. I`ve been struggling with how to make that more clear without making it TOO clear. What do you suggest?

  4. Anonymous says:

    LOL the ending figures. Women can be manipulative like that. Not bad though. Now, lemme see about that reference…. here are some of my suggestions: – After the construction remark by Mark, you could put something like “she notices how clean-cut he is for a construction worker” – During the dance, you could have her “find” his handcuffs on his belt, and have him play them off as something he has to try and be kinky – Possibly start the scene earlier, have Mark exit a car with another person in it, who stays, suggesting a stakeout And, regarding the ending, since I think you might be looking for what Sugar was thinking, Alena: ***SPOILER ALERT!*** If you just like reading the comments, shame on you. Go read the story, it ain`t bad =-P *** I think Sugar`s goal was just to find a way to see if Mark is really interested, so she has Fern try and play an interception. If Mark turns her down, then Sugar will know he`s actually interested, but when he doesn`t and tries to buy her a d

  5. dUc0N (aka Steven) says:

    …rink, it gives her the perfect excuse to dump him. ***END OF SPOILER*** The form cut me off and now I am sad. >_< So I`ll just finish up briefly, and remember to put my name on it this time. Oh, and Tory, regarding the updates--don`t feel too bad about it. Your last one was only a day ahead of this one, which trumps my site`s updates by about 29 days on average. 😉

  6. Alena says:

    I`ve been trying to think of a subtle way to get it across, but lady, you`re dealing with someone who is “as subtle as a freight train” (so sayeth my dad). I`m not good at subtlety, and I can`t think of anything. : I didn`t want you to think I was criticizing without offering any feedback.

  7. Phoenix says:

    I stumbled across your page and read this. I think the gold badge at the beginning makes it easily known to us that Mark is an agent, but there`s nothing to really make it clear that Sugar has figured this out. As far as suggestions, I know you`re limited to five minutes so that makes it tougher. Perhaps somewhere in her dance she could see something on him that would help reveal this fact. Its a very original format though and I like it alot.

  8. dUc0N/Steven says:

    I`m getting the sense that she didn`t know fully what was going on though… that she was just playing it safe by making sure he was really interested first, and since he messed that up, she`s gone.

  9. Tory says:

    The idea is that she HATES him. Because he`s ALE (a narc!) and his prime directive is to get her to commit a crime (like give him her phone number, or accept a drink, or grind on him) so he can arrest her, and if she`s convicted she`ll be a sex offender for life and have to tell her neighbors when she moves and everything. But she has all the power in the situation — he just doesn`t know it yet.

    So when he gets mushy at the end and wants to get to know her for real, it`s way too late. She`s got all his money, so she`s done with him. When Fern goes up to him, primed to touch him illegally and accept a drink, Sugar warns her that he`s a cop. This proves that she knew the situation all along. Sugar!

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