Crispy Critters +Buns of Deceit

Hey — do y`all remember Crispy Critters? Oh ho ho, man. They were like Kix, kind of, but in animal shapes, and with a shiny crispy shell. Their spokesthing was an animated (I think — I kind of want to say “puppet” but that’s not right) animal who looked and sounded like Jimmy Durante. And he sang a song that went something like this:

They’re Cris-py Critters, with lots of cah-runch.
A low-sugar cereal — you`ll like `em a bunch.

There’s more to it, but I can’t remember. All I know is, this cereal was TASTY. If it had been around into my teenage years I probably wouldn’t have developed such food issues. Without it, I segued onto Raisin Nut Bran, which should have been called Sugar Fat Bran for its nutrition condition.

And after some Googling and a spelling correction, I see you can learn much, much more about Crispy Critters than you ever wanted at x-entertainment, where I filched the image above. I think it was the alarming but cute googly-eyed puppets that sold it for me. Puppets are underrated. Don’t get me started on my crush on Alf.

Anyway, on a vaguely related note, check out this nutrition label from a bag of white Harris Teeter sesame seed buns. I didn’t get these buns for myself, so I didn’t check the label until I got home. Keep in mind these are really big, white buns.

Notice anything funny about it, nutrition fans? My first reaction was *ZOING* 100 calories for a big-ass bun?! How`d they do that? Then I check out the rest of the story. At 4 calories a gram (and not including the measly dietary fiber, which goes into carb counts but not the calorie total; the carbohydrates alone cost 140 calories. Then I notice the calories from fat aren’t right, either — it’s like the left side of the label came from a totally different food item.

If you can trust the nutrient grams on the right, these buns are about 180 calories. That’s kinda harsh if you’re having a couple of burgers and you think you’ve eaten only 200 calories of bun and you’ve really had 360 — that’s a can of Coke difference. Yowza.

It should be clear by now that I really like fiber. In my pantry I have All-Bran, Fiber One, Grape Nuts, many cans of black beans, and a container of bread crumbs I crushed myself from hi-fiber bread because no bread crumb brand I could find had adequate fiber content. Yeah. I wish I was kidding, but I`m not.

Ooh, belly rumblin`. Time for lunch.


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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  1. Etherealagent says:

    I`m also curious how they fit 35 grammes of sugar AND 2.5 grammes of fat AND 5 grammes of porotein into one 35 gramme bun… that just doesnt seem to add up. 2.5+35+5=35?

  2. megan says:

    i feel such shame that i know this… “Crispy Critters, the good wholesome munch, a low-sugar cereal with lots of crrrunch, yes it`s indubidibly, INDUBIDIBLY (sp?) DELICIOUS!” and i never even ate the stuff. shoot me. shoot me now.

  3. karren says:

    I have never even seen the cereal, but grew up with my dad singing the following jingle preceded by the joke, “what do you get after a forest fire?” “don`t say it!” (stampede) “CRISPY CRITTERS—The One and Only Cereal that comes in the shape of Animals!” (It`s better when my dad sings it!)

  4. astarael says:

    My dad`s joke went: “Why do ducks have flat feet?” *everyone in room groans* “From stomping out forest fires!” Which was immediately followed by, “Why do elephants have flat feet? From stomping out flaming ducks!” I`m really amazingly glad you`ve reminded me of how that jingle went. Now I`ll never get it out of my head. Thanks. A lot.

  5. earlyr says:

    Completely random tangential story: Does anyone remember the fast food chain Roy Rogers? It was bought out by Hardees about 8 zillion years ago. Anyway my mom and I would frequently joke about how much actual “food” was in “fast food”, and one day at the drive-through at said pseudo-restaurant she completely inadvertently orders “a Trigger-Burger and some Crispy Critters.” Gasp! Our inside joke suddenly broadcast through the fast-food speaker thingie!!! “Err… I mean, a Double-R Burger and an order of French Fries, thank you.”

  6. astareal says:

    We still have a Roy Rogers near my house. It`s kind of tucked away, hidden down a side street, because nobody ever goes there.

  7. Judi says:

    Very interesting – the portion size is 35 gm – just a little over an ounce. That would be comparable to 1/2 of the entire bun (hamburger buns are generally considered to be two bread exchanges) – the figures make more sense if you think of only half the bun, but they still don`t match. This information is regulated by the feds…….the company could get into trouble for misrepresentation. An ice cream company put out a product last year the understated total calories and were fined.

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