Gideon – Part Two

By request, and also because it is fun, Part 2 of the story of Gideon:

So this has all been a little rough on young Gideon. He and his 300 men camp discreetly near the invaders — the Midianites, to be specific, and they were camped in the Valley of Jezreel, and I bring this up only because the name of a place can really make an impression, and truly a man could meet his end in the Valley of Jezreel. Perhaps if the Midianites had invaded the Valley of Kittens, Gideon could relax a bit, but that was not the hand dealt.

Gideon sits in his tent, looking at the huge Midianite camp and trying to figure out what to do.

Says God, “Why doncha go on over there.”

Says Gideon: *loud sigh*

Says God, “I have asked you to do a lot crazier crap than this. Come on — I promise you’re gonna like this one.”

So Gideon sneaky sneak sneaks over to the Midianite camp. Yep, looks like a camp. Yep, there are thousands of them. Yep, they all have swords and spears, thanks for the heads-up, God, I think I’ll head back now…

But then one nervous Midianite pulls aside a friend RIGHT IN FRONT of Gideon. They’re whispering, but they’re so close Gideon has no trouble listening.

Says the nervous one: “I had a dream last night that the God of Israel delivered us to them in war.”

Says the friend: “Whoa. I’ve heard stories. The God of Israel can fuck your world up.”

Nervous one: “But that can’t be right, can it? Those Israelites are all worshiping Baal and Asherah and stuff now — not the big one, right?”

Friend: “A-a-a-a-actually some dude from Manasseh broke a bunch of pagan altars just the other day.”

And Gideon’s heart leaps! That was him! (My bad — I left that out.)

Friend: “I can remember his name in a minute… Starts with a G…”

Nervous one: “Wait — there was a G-guy in my dream! Was it… giddy… ‘Gideon’?”

Friend: “That was it.”

Nervous one: “WE ARE HOSED.”

Friend: “Here, let’s talk to some other guys — maybe they know something about this Gideon fellow…”

And Gideon has a very hard time playing it cool as he SPRINTS GLEEFULLY back to his camp.

Says Gideon, “ThankyouGodthankyouGodthankyouGodthankyouGod!”

Says God, “I told you you would like it.”

So Gideon, full of pep and vim and applesauce because now he is 100% sure with cheese that GOD RULES, assembles his 300 men.

Says Gideon: “Here’s the plan. Everybody get a torch and a jar. How many trumpets we got? OK, cool, start passing them out. We’re gonna make three companies and surround those Midianites neat, sweet and discreet. When my guys blow their trumpets, everybody with a trumpet blow, too, and follow my lead.”

The Israelites go sneak sneak sneak around the Midianite camp, and there’s not a sign of them doing it, cos the Israelites keep their torches in the clay jars. Everybody in position? Everybody good? Gideon lifts his trumpet and blows his horn!

Everybody blows his horn!

IT IS REALLY LOUD.

The Midianites say HOLY CRAP.

Gideon smashes his jar, revealing the torch! Everybody smashes his jar!

IT IS REALLY LOUD ALSO!

Gideon holds up his torch! Everybody holds up their torch!

The Midianites look around and where there used to be nothing there is suddenly a circle of trumpets and fire! This would probably be enough to make anyone pee their pants, but then 300 Israelites shout at them, in unison: “A SWORD FOR THE LORD AND GIDEON!”

The Midianites absolutely Lose. Their. Minds. They draw their swords and scream and cry and flee, and in the madness and confusion, as the Israelites hold position in their circle of fire, THE MIDIANITES KILL EACH OTHER.

So.

The Book of Judges has Gideon going all badass after this and doing a lot of killing, like it do. There’s lots of pursuing and revenging and toppling of towers, turning from God again and back.

But I prefer to leave Gideon here, breathless, in the circle of fire, watching God fulfill a promise beyond his wildest dreams.

He does get a lot of wives after this. A LOT.

Tory

Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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4 Responses

  1. Sarah says:

    I’m waiting with bated breath for the New English Tory Translation of the Bible.

  2. Your Anomalous Fan says:

    Retconned? Hell, they Nerfed him! Before, it was all “RAWR! WRATH! DEAD FIRSTBORNS!” and then he was all “Lookit! They drank the water!”

    God b2.2 is like when they loaded TF2 and had the classes so unbalanced that you could just squint at a player and kill them.

  3. I can’t believe they retconned badass God into that new testament feel good backstage wuss.

    Plagues and murder, dammit! That’s what keeps asses in pews!

  4. Betsy says:

    Tory Hoke rocks my socks. That is all. A LOT.

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