Candy Experiment #1

So for Christmas, my friend/sister’s husband’s sister sent me some candy from Japan (where’s she’s staying or something, I dunno). It had no note and just my name scribbled on a scrap of notebook paper. I’ve never been one to shy away from mysterious unlabeled food sent from overseas, so I dug right in. Fortunately for you, I photographed my experience.

There’s a lot of photos. Dial-up be warned. Well, it is too late to warn you, so sorry. Oh well. Carry on.

First up, Brown Pastry Thing.

Not a bad first impression. It has a lovely color and a doughy aroma.

First bite, not too shabby. Tastes a bit like a home made chocolate pop-tart.

It has a neat filling made of something. Listen, I don’t get paid enough to get specific. I also detect a hint of melancholy underscoring the whole affair.

The delicious takes a while to hit!

Number Two: Strawberry Ichigo Milk Candy.

Hey this isn’t bad at all. It’s like those little strawberry candies that grandmothers always have.

As it sits in your mouth the hard candy starts getting gummy around the edges. It’s quite lovely.

So far so good! Go Japan!

What’s this? Something’s not right.

Okay, I may have been to quick to judge.

The entire candy broke apart like the once great supercontinent of Pangaea only instead of revealing magma and new oceans the onlything uncovered was a really gross taste that I suppose could be described as milky.

Final Verdict: Gross City.

Numero Tres, Green Semi-Hard Candy Thing.

What the hell, is this thing soft?

It reminds of some weird ginger ice cream I had once.


I valliantly try to give this verdant demon orb a fair shake.

I almost unswallow.

Seriously, what the hell, japan? Who the hell makes stuff like this and calls it candy?

Verdict: Unhappiness condensed into a light green sphere.

4.) I`m calling this one the Brown DoomFruit.

I anticipated chocolate on this one, I really did. Expecting one taste and getting another is never fun.

Here, you can still see a glimmer of hope in my eyes. The stupid git.

What the hell?! This is not goddamn chocolate!

It tastes sour! Why is it sour? Is this a cherry? Why is there a pit?

It’s not getting any better. This is not very good candy.

I mean, UGH, who puts fruit in a plastic wrapper? That’s not cool people.

I need to cleanse my palette. Avoid the Cherry Blossom Cherry `candy`.

It looks like a little cookie.

Hey, is that black rice paper? That’s probably just extra sugar.

I`ll just take a bite…

Wait a second…do I taste fish?

No, damn you Japanese bastards! This vile thing is a sushi cookie!

Listen guys, you can’t make something taste like fish and call it candy. That’s not how it works. Generally speaking, I like sushi (though individually I loathe fish, rice, and most vegetables), but I need to prepare myself first! Bad Japan! That’s a rude trick.

Time to wash that taste out of my mouth with good old fashioned American Fritos!

That hit the spot

Listen, I don’t know what Nishikura Gokabou means.

If I had to guess, I`m going to go ahead and guess that it means “more awful-tasting evil bastard-ass fish candy”.

Well, let’s see.

I was right. I hate being right.

There’s something else in here.

I think they added extra gross! It’s like little egg things!

Whoooo. I don’t think I`m going to make it.

Hey, pretty wrapper.

This thing can’t taste bad, it has little anime girls on the wrapper.

This is going to be glorious!

Hey, it tastes kinda like coffee! This is way better than fish!

Well, maybe not coffee. Maybe a mocha drink or something?

No. Not mocha. I think this tastes like fish, too. Assholes.

Okay, don’t eat this one either. Also, it starts burning after a while.

Morale is critically low. I want to give up. This wrapper is pretty. It says Sasaki. What’s that? I hope it isn’t a fish.

It’s another hard candy. Lookin` good.

Let’s pop that sucker in.

Hey, that’s not terrible.

It’s like some kind of tea. A little sweet, but not sugary.

It’s not great, but compared to the last few it tastes like a rainbow made of gold.

I`m delerious at this point. Look at those eyes, crazy eyes. This thing is called “Mellowkiss”.

I’ve been saving it. Mellowkiss is a cool name. Mellowkiss sounds like it`d be delicious.

It’s a little red. Is this another cherry? Shit.

No! It’s chocolate! HELL YES.

I`m. So. Happy.

Oh yeah, that’s the ticket.

I have found religion. It’s that good. Dark chocolate melty bits and a cakey base thing. Oh Jesus.

Hey look, leftover chocolate!

Yeah, this is probably sad. I don’t care screw off.

Praise Zombie Jesus!


America, bitches. This is how candy is done. Peep Snowmen.

I named this one Luis.


Okay, so it doesn’t taste great, but this is a billion times better than anything japan has to offer (that isn’t a mellowkiss).

This is what a mouthful of marshmellow man looks like!

So there you have it. Merry Christmas, everyone.

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3 Responses

  1. Tory says:


  2. Lisa says:

    hahahaha. My stomach hurts, and I’m not sure if it is from the descriptions or from laughing.

  3. Wendy says:

    OOOOOOOOMG! This is the funniest food critique (for lack of a better description) that I have ever seen.

    My laptop may not recover from the multiple spit-takes of Diet Pepsi that it was forced to endure while I read this.

    You,Sir, Quite Simply Rock!

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