I hate all winter holidays

After reading this to supremegoddess, she suggested that I cross post it as much as possible. Here you go, now you don’t have to write a winter holiday post.

I`m sick to death of all you fools complaining about the merry christmas/happy holidays debate. The right-wingers are pissed because Wal-mart, their ambrosia and nectar, still won’t concede to saying “Merry Christmas.” Well, forgive me if I`m not sorry that the pimply-faced teenaged cashier won’t say “Merry Christmas” to you while you’re getting your real tree deer stand out of layaway. I don’t feel bad for you because you don’t see a “Jesus is the reason for the season” banner over the toy section while your incorrigible kids are setting off every single toy that makes noise. You want to talk about Wal-mart’s wrongdoing? What about the fact that a majority of their workers don’t have enough health care? What about the fact that they’re putting mom and pop stores out of business? What about their refusal to apologize to a man trying to pick up gift cards for his company’s employees? How can I respect you screaming “keep the Christ in CHRISTmas!” when you’ve tripped me up and pushed me onto the floor in an effort to keep me from getting the last Tickle Me Elmo or whatever toy that’s hot this year? I might have misread my Bible, but I don’t remember the part where the three wise men put the smackdown on vendors to get the myrhh and whatever else it was that they brought to HIM.

The neocons aren’t the only ones wearing this argument out; I’ve heard about numerous pleas to shift the employee christmas party to a “holiday party.” It’s a christmas party; we all know that. If you’re going to insist upon calling it a holiday party, then don’t play any christmas carols, don’t have any decorations, and don’t serve any products that aren’t kosher. In fact, hand everyone glow sticks when they get to the door, and then you can just say it’s a rave that happens to be right before the holidays. Black people… my people… no one is giving you 8 nights off work to celebrate a made up holiday that isn’t even 100 years old, er, I mean, Kwanzaa. You say it’s about the harvest of fruits?! I know you don’t have any fruit in the house because I saw you at the supermarket buying neckbones, black eyed peas, collard greens, and ham hocks for the holidays. None of those are fruit. plus, people might respect the holiday if you didn’t pick the names for your kids from the names of the 8 days of harvest. Jewish people… it’s not like I know any hanukkah carols, other than the dreidel song. I don’t want to offend you, but could you get some new songs? Maybe even a little dreidel song remix or two?

Might I suggest a proposal that should make everyone happy?

Right-wingers: if you don’t like the fact that wal-mart insists upon using the phrase “happy holidays,” then head on down to the local wally world distribution center, or to the corporate office, and scourge everyone with whips. Wal-mart is your temple, and your temple shouldn’t be treated that way. aAter all, jesus scourged the moneychangers in the temple with whips, right? There you go; Wal-mart consists of some of the biggest moneychangers in the world. You should also crucify yourself on good friday, too. Hey, the word “Christian” means Christ-like, doesn’t it? You could actually shop at your local businesses. You can’t complain about big business taking over when you’re making a decision to spend money with big business. Or better yet, you could stay at home, shop online, not allow your daughters to dance with boys or wear make-up, and then I won’t have to worry about you keeping me from buying the new Britney Spears CD.

All you other folks: my proposal to you is simple. Teach and preach the message of your holiday. Stand outside of the mall and hand out (insert your preferred holiday of choice here) tracts to passersby. Ring doorbells and sing your holiday songs outside of your neighbors` windows. When someone tells you, “Merry Christmas,” stand up and say, “I don’t celebrate Christmas, but let me tell you about what I believe.” When they shun you and run away, scream after them, “now you know how I feel!” Make a menorah out of light bulbs and put it in your front yard. Then you too can feel like you’ve done your neighborhood duty to raise the power bill during the month of december. Get a public access tv show all about your religious beliefs. I`m sure that’s how jimmy swaggart started.

If none of my suggestions are viable options, then stay at home and donate your money to charity. With all the disasters this year, there are plenty of people that are so in need that the corporate doctrine and the banner over the door ultimately doesn’t matter. And, since I know some of you people are cheapskates, that would be a tax writeoff, too. For example, we donated to a charity that buys supplies for school projects that teachers wouldn’t be able to afford. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. That way, you know homeless people will get at least one hot meal this winter. Volunteer at a hospital. Make some sick kids happy to know that someone cares about them.

Is it really worth being in debt for the next 11 months to shop at a store that supports your beliefs? I think not.

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