Jake the Dog

I used to be kinda smart. Kinda. Then I got a dog, and whenever I`m around him my brain turns to goo. His name is Jake. I very rarely call him Jake. I call him Scalliwag, Polliwog, Kingly King Dog, Square Face and Baby Seal Face (`cause he looks like a baby seal, and whenever I say this a kind of dog-owner Tourette’s kicks in and I have to say “Baby Seal, not Navy SEAL,” like I`m Fezzik). I also call him “Presh” and “Spesh,” which is David-Spade-speak for “precious” and “special” (oooh, I`m making myself naush). He also flops on the floor in protest when he thinks I`m leaving for the day, at which point I call him “Floppin` Presh.”

I wish I were making this up.

Cutest dog ever. Look at da tootsis!

But the real problem is the singing. I sing to my dog all the time — when I come home, when we’re playing fetch, when he’s taking a duke — it doesn’t matter. What follows is a partial listing of the songs I sing to Jake, in descending order of frequency:

  • Theme from “The A-Team” – (it goes like “Jake the dog! Jake THE dog. Jake the DO-OG! Ja-a-ake the dog!”)
  • Theme from “The Tonight Show” – (“It’s Jake the do-og. It’s-a Jake-a the dog!”)
  • Flatt & Scruggs` “Salty Dog” – (“Let me be your softy dog, or I won’t be your man at all.” Doesn’t make sense, but I sing it anyway)
  • Rich Mullins` “Our God is an Awesome God” – (“Our dog is an awesome dog”, natch)
  • Theme from “Law & Order” – (Just the first part, before it starts sounding like the theme from “Quantum Leap.” Replace every note with “dog” and you got it: “Dog DOG. Dog-dog-dog-dog DOOOOOOG. Dog DOG. Dog-dog-dog-dog DOG DOG.”)
  • Theme from “Twin Peaks” – (Same formula as above. Melody is harder to get right, but I think it was Angelo Badalamenti’s intent that his themes be sung to pets. I`m working on the one from Cabin Fever.)

Who else is transformed into an idiot by the power of dog?


Draws. Sweats. Eats too much sugar-free candy.

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  1. K says:

    My first REALLY SKEEZY apartment in Brooklyn had The Thinnest walls. I`m sure the Russian girl that lived next door to me thought, “Oh those Americans are a lonely people – they not only talk to their dogs, but they sing and laugh to them as well. And the voices they use! [insert Russian derogotory slang]” Your pooch is so spesh! Look at that face, ooh yes, he`s a cute one – yes he is! No wonder I`m having so much trouble finding the energy to study for my master`s – my head is full of goo! Thankfully I haven`t crossed over to the point that I have a picture of her saved in my computer, because if I did, you`d see that my Jasmine (a.k.a. Pooch, J, Doofus, Baby, Baby!, Jasmine-No!, Angel, etc) puts the “great” in Great Dane. Except for yesterday when she took a walking (literally ) dump through Petsmart (we`re living outside of Seattle now). I was mortified. But what are ya gonna do? Wouldja just look at that face?

  2. StephenBrophy.net says:

    *raises hand*

  3. Cristiane says:

    What a cutie pie! I miss my (okay, my parents owned her, but she was MY) dog, Rosie, a pale-Golden Retriever. She was the sweetest dog ever and I still tear up when I see one that looks like her. I was total mush between her paws. Any dog can get me going – I have to ration watching dog shows on Animal Planet because I keep saying, “Ooh, I want one of those!” over and over.

  4. megan says:

    i am transformed into an idiot by my complete lack of dogs. there`s this commercial for Advantix flea medicine where this little yellow lab puppy is writing home from camp. “hello mother, hello father, fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, really bother…” the puppy proceeds to sing about how great it is that you sent him Canine Advantix and now he can have fun at camp and not be itchy anymore. the puppy is the cutest fucking thing i`ve ever seen and every time the commercial comes on, i collapse on the couch in a whimpering, puppy-less heap.

  5. Carolyn says:

    My mother-in-law can`t hear too well, so when Rusty was whining she said he was “beeping.” Calling him Beepy was a natural, but it grew into Beeporius, and then Beepus Beeporious. Of course when we`re walking, I sing, “Beeporious, the glorious, best doggie you`ll ever see! Beeporious, the glorious, best doggie for you and me!” or Beeporious, Beeporious, golden and glorious Mommy adorious Kittyput abhorious I forget the rest

  6. Tory says:

    Okay. Beepus Beeporius made me snerk out loud. Glee!

  7. Tory says:

    Testing. Don`t worry. Just testing.

  8. anonymous says:

    that k9 advantix puppy is so cute that i want to take it home and make it my pet and i mean really its soooo cute and it made me go “awww” all the time

  9. anonymous says:

    hello mother, hello father. fleas, ticks, mosquitoes really bother. thanks for the package. that`s why i`m writing. k9 advantix quickly stops all the biting. swimming, hiking, and tent pitching. they`re not biting, i`m not itching. can`t wait to show you all my new tricks. thanks again for sending me k9 advantix.

  10. jackie says:

    i want the flea song@_@

  11. dodeedoe says:

    i am a killer whale

  12. Anonymous says:


  13. PowerPup says:

    Jake is obviously the most outstanding dog in all of dogdom – with a mug like that, you could make millions in TV spots. My better half and I are aspiring Malamute rescue owners, and we sing the K9 Advantix commersh all the time. `Course, since we`re gay (luckily, we`re both gay so it makes for a good marriage), we get a snarky laugh out of the “tent pitching” line. No wonder our mothers never let us go to camp. If you wanna see the ad online, here`s the link: http://www.k9advantix.com/content/files/camp.wmv

  14. Tory says:

    Heh heh heh. Thank you for validating me and Jacob T. Be assured that while I never parsed “tent pitching” before, you have given me yet another reason to look forward to this commercial. And thanks for the link!

  15. Liza says:

    Hehe, the new Advantix commercial for cats is really cute… In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion creeps tonight. With Advantix the fleas don`t bite him, the lion feals alright. Advantix works the fleas are gone. Advantix works the fleas are gone. Advantix works the fleas are gone. Advantix works the fleas are gone.

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