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Brown Air - Slanderous Mambo - The Tory Party Skip to content

Transcripts

INT. PASSENGER AIRPLANE CABIN – DAY

On a crowded plane, a WOMAN IN A HIJAB tucks her suitcase overhead and wraps up a phone call. White passengers pass her and shoot her looks.

HIJAB WOMAN

No trouble at all! Happy to do it.

Nearby, a white passenger hits the flight attendant call button.

HIJAB Woman

I should be there by 1:30 and we can all get some food.

A SIKH MAN in a turban approaches and Headscarf Woman stands aside to let him sit.

HIJAB WOMAN

We are go for lunch! Ha ha. I love you. Bye.

She takes her seat next to Sikh Man and pulls out an iPod. The earphone wires are all tangled.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT appears with a TSA AGENT. Everybody tenses.

EVERYBODY

(thinking)

Wuh-oh.

Attendant and agent address Hijab Woman.

TSA AGENT

Would you come with me, ma’am?

HIJAB WOMAN

What is this about?

TSA AGENT

Come with me, ma’am.

SIKH MAN

She has a right to her question.

TSA AGENT

You two together?

Hijab Woman and Sikh Man exchange an incredulous look.

HIJAB WOMAN and SIKH MAN

No.

HIJAB WOMAN

But I am afraid of what will happen if I let you take me off this plane. Please. What is this about?

Flight Attendant tries to shush TSA Agent as he answers:

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Not here…

TSA AGENT

This flight attendant thinks you’re a terrorist.

HIJAB WOMAN

What?! Why?

TSA AGENT

Something you said on the phone.

HIJAB WOMAN

I was talking to my husband! What could I possibly have said?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

You said “we are go for launch.”

HIJAB WOMAN

Lunch! For lunch!

Behind her, an Indonesian Woman stands.

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Besides, “go for launch” is what rocket scientists say.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Who are you?

INDONESIAN WOMAN

A rocket scientist.

TSA AGENT

You two together?

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Nope. Just a fellow Muslim.

Flight Attendant gets nervous and sweaty.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Muslim? Who said anything about Muslims?

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Oh, please.

HIJAB WOMAN

Why were you listening to my conversation? It’s loud as five hairdryers in here!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Nowadays you can’t be too safe.

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Of course you can be “too safe!” You’re kicking an innocent woman off a plane!

Flight Attendant and Indonesian Woman start a separate conversation…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

You’re really Muslim? You’re so assertive… and Asian…

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Imagine that.

While Hijab Woman and TSA Agent continue theirs…

TSA AGENT

Ma’am, I need you to come with me so we can screen you some more.

HIJAB WOMAN

I already went through a metal detector and a pat-down. Can’t you tell I’m not a terrorist?

TSA AGENT

It’s our policy to treat every rumor we hear as a deadly threat.

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Your policy sounds like a witch hunt.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

(pointing at Indonesian Woman)

I… I heard her say she has a gun!

INDONESIAN WOMAN

Oh, for the love of…

TSA AGENT

When?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Before. I forgot.

TSA AGENT

(to Indonesian Woman)

Then I need you to come with me, too.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Whew!

INDONESIAN WOMAN

(collecting her things)

Insha’Allah.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

(to TSA Agent)

Did you hear that?!

SIKH MAN

I should come as well.

TSA AGENT

That’s not necessary.

SIKH MAN

The plane that refuses these refuses me as well. My faith insists I defend the rights of all religions, not just my own…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

(interrupting)

Ugh! Stuff the third-world mumbo-jumbo and go!

The three passengers disembark with TSA Agent.

INT. TERMINAL – LATER

TSA Agent pats down Hijab Woman’s hijab while other waiting passengers rubber-neck.

TSA AGENT

All clear. You’re free to go.

Flight Attendant pops her head through the gate door.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

You can’t come back on.

HIJAB WOMAN

What?!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The crew isn’t comfortable with having you on the plane. Try again tomorrow. Bye!

Hijab Woman bursts into tears.

HIJAB WOMAN

Why? It’s just me!

Indonesian Woman consoles her.

INDONESIAN WOMAN

If I’d kicked an innocent person off a plane, I’d feel uncomfortable, too.

HIJAB WOMAN

I’m going to miss my daughter’s game!

TSA AGENT

Please don’t cry. If you cry we have to search you some more.

HIJAB WOMAN

I’m a good American. I pay taxes. I had three babies here! I wouldn’t hurt anyone!

INDONESIAN WOMAN

(to the TSA Agent)

You’re teaching people that the solution to feeling uncomfortable with somebody is to get rid of them.

TSA AGENT

It’s just policy.

HIJAB WOMAN

Well, your “policy” is pointless nonsense that hurts people.

TSA AGENT

Shh! The terrorists will hear you!

INDONESIAN WOMAN

(losing temper completely)

The terrorists already got what they wanted! We’re dirt broke and scared of our own shadows!

Unable to get them to shut up, TSA Agent tries to lead them out.

TSA AGENT

You know what? I can get you on another flight.

HIJAB WOMAN

(brightening)

Really?

TSA AGENT

We’ll have to hurry. It’s leaving in just a few minutes.

HIJAB WOMAN

Let’s go!

INDONESIAN WOMAN

All right.

SIKH MAN

We can find justice only if we find it together.

TSA AGENT

Skip the sermon, Hadji. Just follow me.

TSA Agent leads them out.

INT. CARGO PLANE – LATER

On Brown Air, in flak jackets and ear protection, strapped to dirty cargo (animals? chemicals?), Headscarf Woman, Indonesian Woman and Sikh Man grimace from the turbulence.

HEADSCARF WOMAN

I CAME HERE TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE!

SIKH MAN

WHAT?

INT. PASSENGER AIRPLANE CABIN – SAME TIME

Meanwhile, White Air has exploded into a Crucible of finger-pointing Goodies.

MAN #1

That one’s hairy!

MAN #2

That one’s got an accent!

WOMAN

That one looks gay! He’ll use a gay bomb on my kid!

Between them, insane-looking Flight Attendant throttles an Orthodox rabbi.

The PILOT, an African-American man, bursts in from the cockpit.

PILOT

What the hell is going on back here?

The passengers all point at him and SCREAM (a la “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”?)

PILOT

Oh, no…

He tries to escape, but the mob seizes him.

EXT. OPEN FIELD – DAY

INVESTIGATORS comb smoking airplane wreckage.

INVESTIGATOR #1

Terrorism?

INVESTIGATOR #2

Clearly.

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