Death of Sexy: Jailbait

Courtesy of Sarah:

Sexy jailbait

Ewww. Not to split hairs, but a person who’s “jailbait” isn’t normally the one to go to jail, right?

Perhaps this is a new concept, where a sexy lady is put in a jail like cheese in a mousetrap, and a dude who jumped bail is lured back. In that case, I would like to see a lady dressed like sexy cheese.

Death of Sexy: Wednesday Addams

Sexy Wednesday Addams

“Yeah! But I wanna be a SEXY ten-year-old.”

Wig not included. Which means this isn’t actually a Halloween costume, but an outfit for a Good Charlotte concert.

Good Charlotte? Eesh, sorry. Timely reference fail.

Death of Sexy: Catwoman

Catwoman

Execution: 10. Practicality: 0.

Down to brass tacks here: this is a costume from a bad movie. Wearing this out would be like dressing up as one of the emo kids from X3.

You will tolerate having that mask over your head for about ten minutes. Then you will get sweaty, itchy, and momma-slapping angry at the universe for allowing it to exist.

In the movie (which I saw in the theater, yes), I don’t think I saw Halle Berry sit down in costume. It may not actually be possible.

That whip, like the tiny tomahawk, is never going to make it home.

Also, this is $110. DANG.

Death of Sexy: Snow Princess

sexy snow white

Okay, I sort of get a sexy Snow White. Like a sexy nun. You take something deliberately chaste, and then make it sexy. Oh, transgression!

The problems with this costume in pertick:

  • Too many frickin’ bows. Seriously. Too many. Incidentally, the stockings aren’t included, so in spirit the costume only involves FIVE BRIGHT RED BOWS. But you know there are more bows on the back. YOU KNOW IT.
  • Speaking of stockings not being included, this getup is $55 for the top, skirt, sleeves and headband. That is two weeks of groceries for a garment to be worn once, affording no protection from the elements. Money fail.
  • It’s kind of amazing that this reads as Snow White at all, though it does. Maybe it is all the bows.
  • Use of “naughty” instead of “sexy.” Yes, thank you for the assigned morality, today I was feeling way too in control of my own body.

A-a-a-and SPENT.

Death of Sexy: Scarecrow

Sexy scarecrow

This costume lived alongside a sexy Lion and sexy Tin Man, and an entire sexy Wizard of Oz ensemble does shatter the brain. How does such an idea begin? Does a woman get inspired to be Sexy Dorothy, and then start enlisting friends? Is there a show for Halloween-Zillas?

But while a lion has some sort of essential sexiness, and robots are awesome, the Sexy Scarecrow collides two completely unsexy entities — your average cornfield-dwelling scarecrow, and L. Frank Baum. “Oh, man, look at that babe’s… straw.”

Again, the hat — totally unsat.

For fun, here’s another vision of the Sexy Scarecrow, for $10 less, that doesn’t radiate the Newport News cheapness of the first:

Sexy Scarecrow 2

Mmm. Less is more.

Death of Sexy: Tina Target

Tina Target death of sexy

This was in the sexy costumes section, but that is, as always, an attribute for debate.

I hope you’re happy, Gavin Rossdale, cos here’s some sex in your violence. Just knock her on her back and she’s a Fendi ad.

Weird. Eerie.

Death of Sexy: Freddy Krueger

Sexy Freddy Krueger

No.

No no no.

No.

I suppose a cheese pizza facial did not make the sexy cut.

Ironically (or intuitively?) I think a Freddy Krueger with pants would be a lot sexier. It would look way cooler, and you wouldn’t have to hold in your womanly curves with your free hand all night.

Plus that fedora is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. I feel personally affronted by the awfulness of that hat, as if someone had the option of a proper fedora, which looks totally tasty on a woman, and was like, no, no, I need some terrible Party City number with a plastic brim immeds kthx.

Is there a Ministry of Hat Crimes? THERE SHOULD BE.

Death of Sexy: Jane Jetson

Sexy Jane Jetson

Really? Is this a niche? Really? Couldn’t this just be a “sexy space lady” costume, without the staid Hanna-Barbera momma association? I get that, like, Betty Rubble is supposed to be tasty, but she’s tasty by comparison to her other 2-D, limited animation compatriots. The joke in Betty Rubble is wringing the few drops of sexiness out of a largely sexless show.

Even Betty Rubble is not made for translating to the real world. Jane Jetson doubly so. Jane Jetson in a bastardized lingerie costume, fiftuply so.

I feel dirty now. I am so sorry. You know what you deserve?

oatmeal raisin cookie
Sexy space cookie!