You there. No, not you, the redhead. Come here.
|So what does Bruce Campbell, whom Sam Raimi described as taking “the best head shot in the world,” mean to you? What is he doing here? The same thing he has been doing in my dreams the past two weeks: freaking me out. Once, he followed me down I-95 to Disney World in a bitchin` Camaro and didn’t even stop at South of the Border OMG!!! Last night, I was cast as his foil in a feature-length “Jack of All Trades” despite my absence of acting ability or British accent. No matter. I use this site to beg of thee, Bruce Campbell, get out of my dreams and into my Back 2 Back Action Pack, where you belong. Look forward to seeing you in “The Majestic” this winter. Viva Bruce!|
I’ve lately come to terms with the fact that I started listening to white Top 40 music at the very moment that it was an unguided wasteland–from 1990 to 1992. This was a dark time for radio–darker, I assert, than the great trifecta of pain that grips white radio today (pre-processed pop, post-processed boy rock, and the narfing of rap by metal), for one feels the tentative stretch toward the next big thing (I predict a rebirth of un-Lilith melodic chick rock, reflective of the new Charlie’s Angels fighting chick movie motif).
One observes in both these eras that hip hop and its kid sister dance music are the only popular genres doing anything interesting and new. I speculate this is so it can stay ahead of the mass of whiteness coming to assimilate it. I also speculate that part of the reason Missy and Nelly remix and rerecycle their licks is to beat the Orlando popsters of 2030 to it.
Together Forever with looking like Mike Myers + Michael Bolton from Office Space
Important traits not to forget, although you may continue forgetting Michael Bolton, Celine’s beginnings, and Rick Astley’s long-haired comeback with the aptly titled “Cry for Help” (which I liked, so sue me, I was twelve):
Hair metal was still in effect. I had thought of this as a purely late-eighties phenomenon for some reason–a Metallica-heralded synth-pop backlash. Oh my God, I was wrong: Firehouse (Don’t Treat Me Bad); Damn Yankees (High Enough); Motley Crue (Kickstart My Heart, Don’t Go Away Mad); Slaughter (Spend My Life); Winger (Miles Away–oh, God, WINGER!). I leave Queensryche off this list because “Silent Lucidity” is about as hairy power ballad as “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Also consider that Firehouse’s “When I Look Into Your Eyes” hit #8 in 1992, and that I saw the Screaming Trees open up for them that year. The moral of this story is that grunge killed hair metal. So say what you want about grunge. It killed hair metal. Nuff said.
I love Heavy D: The author of the theme song of every predominantly black cast TV show since In Living Color hit with “Now That We’ve Found Love” in 1991. What are we gonna do with it? It’s gettin` kind of hectic on the charts, as this song tops at #11 and there is no God.
Mary J. Blige hit #7 in 1992 with “Real Love.” You didn’t know that was her, did you? Did you? You liar.
“Under the Bridge,” circa 1992 and still getting played occasionally on Top 40 radio, is about half as old as I am. Ah, yeah. And “Wicked Game,” which now gets played on the eighties-and-more station, is from 1991. You work that out.
Country had not crossed over: No Shania, no Faith. And country, more importantly, held not even the most remote promise of crossing over–at #4 in 1992, “Achy Breaky Heart.” Okay, that was unkind–I`ll pretend that Bonnie Raitt has a genre and call her country with “I Can’t Make You Love Me” at #18.
The Black Crowes were #1 in edgy. You could pick the next generation’s alternateens in 1991 by who was wearing “Shake Your Moneymaker” instead of Morrissey. They made vaguely country-fried rock before so-for-real bands like Cravin Melon, they waggled pot leaves before Cypress Hill commissioned their first towering Buddha, and Chris Robinson was Ric-Ocasek-skinny before Mike McCready even started filling out. They were hippie, and they still are, for the love of Pete. Chris is even married to Kate Hudson now. So that has to mean something.
I was going to conclude that Cracker, with their Top 40 hit “Low,” was grunge before grunge was grunge and thus the true beacon for a new era. But upon researching the subject I see they have had no Top 40 hit. And that “Low” came from an album released in August of 1993, more than a year after Nevermind and Ten. They had a single in 1992 called “What the World Needs Now (Is Another Folk Singer Like I Need a Hole In My Head).” So I don’t suppose they were exactly formative.
So I assert in conclusion that the best thing about the radio music of years 1990 to 1992 is that I don’t remember them very well. The end.
… and the number one use of the X-10 camera …
… apparently letting soft-fingered pre-teens take pictures of dental technicians in their underwear.
Thank you, pop-up window! Now that’s a special moment!
Did you know he could make this face?
I didn’t know he could make this face.
Stuff I liked about “Rat Race”
– Amy Smart going insane.
– No towel-wrestling with the dog over the heart.
– Seth Green doesn’t drop the keys in the lake once he gets them back.
– Illegal #2 only implied.
– The Lucys are mostly female.
– I didn’t know Gloria Allred is a real lawyer. It’s funnier if you don’t.
– Low-key betting millionaires gags.
– At the beginning, only one person reads aloud the message on the prize token.
– Mr. Bean falls asleep on his feet, rather than falling over.
– Payoff of the dark lipstick on the steering wheel. Wait for it…
– Expected it to be really, really bad.
These are all the same person: Christopher Guest. I`m trying desperately to find an image of him in “A Few Good Men.”
If your mind is not blown by this, you are a stronger man than I.
Some completely unnecessary information about the cast of “Friends”
In propagating the theory that you can’t be old as long as you’re younger than the cast of “Friends,” I uncovered some bizarre and unsettling trivia about the show and its participants:
Born 1966; 6`2″
Born in Queens.
Played a role on “Wonder Years” from 1991-1992.
Born 1967; 5`11″
Appeared in a prehistoric Alanis Morrissette video.
Also in that famous 90s Heinz ketchup ad where the guy sets the bottle on the edge of the building and then jogs downstairs to catch it on a hot dog.
Is a skilled carpenter.
Born 1969; 6`1″
Is missing part of the middle finger of his right hand.
Was raised in Ottawa, Canada.
Son of John Bennett Perry–the Old Spice sailor.
Born 1964; 5`5″
Played Julie Winston in 1987’s Masters of the Universe.
Dated Michael Keaton for six years.
Born 1969; 5`7″
Refused to try out for “Monica”–instead picked “Rachel,” for whom Cox originally auditioned.
Born 1963; 5`9″
Actor cast for Frasier’s “Roz”–as the character’s concept changed, both Kudrow and the producers preferred another actor be cast.
Graduated from Vassar in 1985.
In addition, the “Friends” concept was originally piloted to ABC as “Couples,” to star Weekend at Bernie’s Jonathan Silverman and Supergirl‘s Helen Slater. They passed, the show got revamped, and NBC bought it.
Remember–this isn’t John Fogerty’s fault. He lost the rights to his songs so bad he once was successfully sued for plagiarizing himself.
Bad Ad Decisions Part 1
Wrangler jeans` new ad campaign features the distinctive opening riff of Creedence Clearwater’s “Fortunate Son,” as well as the opening line “Some folks are born made to wave the flag; Ooh they’re red, white and blue.” Fair enough. Perhaps they missed both John Fogerty’s sarcastic singing and the rest of the lyrics. So you don’t, here they are:
Some folks are born made to wave the flag,
It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no senator’s son, son.
Some folks are born silver spoon in hand,
It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no millionaire’s son, no.
Some folks inherit star spangled eyes,
It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no military son, son.
It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no fortunate one, no no no,
Why did nobody tell me about this? Why is this happening?
Why does Gore look like Jeff Goldblum as the blue alien from Earth Girls are Easy?
WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WILL SOMEONE TELL ME? Thank you.