I’m so sorry for what you’re going through – and most especially that you secretly blame yourself. It’s not your fault, and there’s nothing more that you can do than what you’ve been doing. (I say that simply because you can never hear that enough.) I hope you and your partner can figure out what’s best for you, whatever that may be, and find peace in however you choose to make your family, with or without children.
In the meantime, you might want to check out Project Pomegranate, which is a community for those suffering through infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant death – there’s some wonderful writing there, and I think they’d benefit from hearing your voice as well: http://projectpomegranate.org/ OR https://www.facebook.com/ProjectPomegranate/?fref=ts
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