Eyeballs, and seeing with them
I am strongly nearsighted. I’ve worn glasses since I was 8 and contact lenses since I was 12, and when I order my contacts online let’s just say my prescription is at the very bottom of the option box, and not all contacts carry it.
I find wearing contacts to be pretty much the easiest thing ever (especially since I switched to soft when I was about 18 — oh God hard contacts the memories oh God but still totally worth it), but sometimes I think about how awesome it would be to be able to see all the time, even when driving across Arizona and after watching weepy movies and after a zombie apocalypse.
I have been carefully observing the progress of vision-corrective surgery since they introduced RK (stands for “carving into your cornea with a knife — results may vary”). I am waiting for vision correction in pill form, but nowadays they have:
- RK (cornea carving)
- Lasik (cornea carving — but with a laser!)
- This thing where you sleep in a hard lens, like a retainer, and it forms your eyeball for the next 18 hours. That sounds kind of amazing to me, but 1) takes as much effort as regular contact lenses, and 2) if you break or lose one or something you are HOSED, cos your eyeballs will be WEIRD IMBETWEEN prescription. YES, I SAID “IMBETWEEN.”)
- Intra-Ocular Lens replacement. This what people with cataracts get that get them brand new seeing powers. I knew a couple of people to get this, and I was deeply curious. How much is it? What do they do? Does it give you PERFECT VISION OH THE SCIENCE?!
The answers? A lot, something terrible, and not necessarily.
Two important sections from See With Lasik’s ReStor-Crystalyns-ReZoom page:
ReSTOR®, ReZoom™ & Crystalens™ Lens Replacement Surgery is performed in a similar manner to cataract surgery. It is performed in an outpatient surgery center. With ReSTOR®, ReZoom™ & Crystalens™ Lens Replacement Surgery, your surgeon will numb the eye with eye drops much like with LASIK. He or she will then make a very tiny incision at the outer edge of the cornea through which a microscopic instrument can be inserted. Using ultrasound from the tip of the microscopic instrument, your surgeon will actually be able to gently break the crystalline lens into pieces small enough to be washed away and drawn through the probe and removed from the eye.
OH MY GOD. OH MY GODLY GOD. I know I say ‘Oh my God’ a lot, but seriously OH MY GOD. THEY SHATTER YOUR LENS AND SUCK OUT THE PIECES. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. I think on some level I believed if they jacked things up they could always put the old lens back, which makes no sense, BUT STILL.
There are no known contraindications. However, based on the FDA clinical trials, Alcon, the lens manufacturer, has indicated the following types of patients possibly should not have the AcrySof ReSTOR ® Apodized Diffractive Intraocular Lens:
Patients that are hypercritical with unrealistic expectations
Patients with excessive complaints about their prescription
Patients who drive at night for a living or whose occupation or hobbies depend on good night vision
Patients who are amateur or commercial airline pilots
Patients who have life long complaints about glare
Patients who are happy wearing glasses
Patients who want guarantees on surgical outcomes
AH HA HA AH HA HA HA HA! I wish I could pull something like this! Contraindications to using my software. Contraindications to eating my cooking. Contraindications to dating me. “Sorry, but if you are hypercritical with unrealistic expectations, you should not have asked me out.”
Anyway. Contact lenses. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with them.