Raw Deal (the movie)

While typing up a treatise on Pumping Iron, I discovered “Day of the Schwarzenegger” on the USA network. Terminator 2 was on, and it was up to where Linda Hamilton’s attacking Dr. Dyson. Cool, let’s watch. Some notent notables:

• Edward Furlong’s wearing a Public Enemy T-shirt. Who needs cyborgs from the future to off this kid? Surely SOMEONE at his high school wants to beat up the white kid wearing a Public Enemy T-shirt — especially if he’s got a sheaf of bangs in his face like that one goth kid in the Raisins episode of “South Park.” (By the way, someone totally had to explain “Raisins” to me.)
• S. Epatha Merkerson (of “Law & Order,” but then again 90% of all actors are of “Law & Order”) plays Dr. Dyson’s wife. Not exactly a plum role — pretty much just crying and screaming — but still.
• Robert Patrick is underrated and good. Even if he were overrated he`d still be underrated. Kind of like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Kind of the opposite of Duke University.
• Linda Hamilton is underrated and good. But I can’t think about her too much or it reminds me of James Cameron. Mojitos and mid-life crises for everyone!

I enjoyed T2 and its weirdly poignant ending (sneefiest robot thumbs-up ever; so I decided to stick around for the Big Arnie movie that followed it: Raw Deal (1986).

Oh, my frippin` frip. Monty, this seems strange to me. I wanted to watch all of it so I could provide a full heckle, but I just couldn’t. It was so Grade Z and inscrutable — traits exacerbated by the fact that EVERYBODY is in this movie. As in, “That’s that dude from Law & Order — normally the stuff he says makes sense.” I facepalmed twice from the cast alone.

Steven Hill, the dude on the left, is the one from Raw Deal. S. Epatha Merkerson is on the right.

(Quick sidebar about this picture: Separately they are dude from Raw Deal, lady from “Baywatch Nights,” Lumiere, Sam the Eagle, dude from Catwoman and Reba the Mail Lady. But together they are the Best. Cast. Ever. Also, Angie Harmon burns my eyes with hottness. Also, no one puts Baby in the corner. )

Okay. Back to Raw Deal:

• I went to IMDb to check out some things. The plot summary says something about Big Arnie having to be the sheriff of a small North Carolina town and crossing and double crossing and shenanigans. Yeah, I didn’t get that at all. I pretty much couldn’t tell who was good or bad or double agent or triple agent, but verily I wasn’t trying too hard. And if anything was supposed to be North Carolina I`m going to have to give that a big no. The whole movie looked shot in Vancouver before “shot in Vancouver” was invented — replete with Degrassi High film stock.
• Here’s an idea — if your star has a huge Austrian accent, why not give him an Austrian name? Mark Kaminsky? Pirates.
• Big Arnie has his hair slicked back like Renaldo the Heel. Every time he appeared in a scene I had that complete, fully articulated thought in my internal monologue: “Big Arnie has his hair slicked back like Renaldo the Heel.” It was very distracting.
• At one point he robs a woman at gunpoint in the back of a car, and she just reacts like, “Oh, you dashing rake, here’s all my jewelry.” But wa-a-a-it, I know that redhead from somewhere. Also, she looks like Mischa Barton, fulfilling today’s “hey, she looks like Mischa Barton” quota. Thanks to IMDb, I see she is Micki from the “Friday the 13th” TV series! BRAAAAAWK! This is a series that needs to be released on DVD in a big way. Cursed antiques, people — CURSED ANTIQUES. Of course, the part before the opening credits was always the best part of the show — except maybe for the spooky tinny trumpet Tower of Terror credits sequence (owowo cursed antiques!) And the dude was totally proto-Xander. But I digress.

  
  I snarfed this image from Olaf’s F13 fan page. She made this face in *every episode*.

• A kingpin refers to “smack” and “junk.” I dunno — seems like a big drug kingpin wouldn’t talk like a community college narc. Maybe you shouldn’t write a screenplay after a latte and a reading of “Naked Lunch.”
• It had Robert Davi in it. Prolly you don’t know him by name — I sure didn’t, so here’s a picture:

  
  Okay, don’t freak out? But you’ve got some DiCaprio on your shoulder.

  So he sort of looks like Edward James Olmos. He and Big Arnie have these pointless Grade Z manlier-than-thou zing-offs:

  Big Arnie: I`m sure Max has made many mistakes.
  Robert Davi: Never the same one twice.
  Big Arnie: That’s what she said.
  Robert Davi: Takes one to know one.
  Big Arnie: “I Know This Much Is True” by Wally Lamb.
  Robert Davi: “I Know This Much Is True” by Spandau Ballet.
  Big Arnie: Faced.

• It had Joe Regalbuto in it — you know, Frank Fontana from “Murphy Brown”? And I didn’t have to resort to IMDb to find any of that information. So if it’s wrong feel free to mock me. Hell, feel free to mock me regardless.
• This movie supports my conviction that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not a bad actor. All the actors here are hung out to dry — whether it’s Steven Hill fake bad golfing or Darren “poor man’s Gene Hackman” McGavin strolling in and out of a poorly-blocked and poorly-framed scene. And yet Big Arnie holds his own. The dialogue, with the Austrian accent that wouldn’t die, is as through a glass darkly, but for a dude that took up acting by force at 28 he’s really kind of a natural.

There is much more to say about Big Arnie but I`ll save it until I`m master of this Mac issue.