12 Lingering Questions about Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness is optimal for heckling. It just wants to make you happy and feel a few feels. The actors are game and totally committed. It’s fun, fast and smart enough that its occasional nonsense isn’t offensive. I would gladly see it again. I would gladly buy it or put it in my Netflix queue.

Benedict Cumberbatch's sweet duster into darkness

Duster in Cryptkeeper Black by Hugo Boss

It makes finding haughty questions a worthwhile sport.

So let us find them.

Spoilers abound.

In no particular order.

  • 1) Why is the full-body Alice Eve underpants shot in the trailer from a fleeting, gratuitous moment in the movie? Yes, this question is mostly rhetorical. I also stand by my assertion that all lady underpants shots played for laughs should have mismatched bra and undies. Ain’t nobody wearing matching undies that isn’t planning to have somebody see them. (See Fantastic Four for prior offense.)
  • 2) Why does Karl Urban’s scenery-chomping Bones need Khan’s blood specifically? Doesn’t he have 72 handy frozen bodies with similarly super-powered blood?
  • 3) How does Captain Kirk in another solar system make a cell-phone call to Scotty in San Francisco? Not even a satellite delay. That’s a very smart phone.

    simon pegg as scotty taking a cell phone call into darkness

    But the roaming charges are MURDER

  • 4) Why does Captain Kirk wait until the last minute to deploy his murderous-native-distracting scroll? And why was it they were on that planet in the first place, if not to neutralize the volcano? And why did they have a volcano-neutralizing kit handy?
  • 5) Speaking of, why do all these volcano-neutralizing devices and warp cores need to be managed by hand? Can’t we get some remote control/robots up in this piece? Not to sound meatist, but I think that’s an android on the bridge with the pale complexion and skull vent. Can we use one of his ilk for some of the more life-threatening stuff?
  • 6) Also — I saw some people/beings with the wisdom to wear hazmat suits in proximity to Kirk’s heavily-irradiated body. However Bones is not one of them. Also the hazmat masks had only one aperture — for the right eye. I really have no idea what was going on there.

    Star Trek Into Darkness Chris Pine Chris Isaak face

    Would this face irradiate you, baby?

  • 7) Did Captain Kirk ever figure out that his deceit-by-omission of Starfleet was way worse than Spock’s honest “backstabbing”?
  • 8) Can Benedict Cumberbatch move his face above the mouth? Does the sound of his own Smauglike voice give him a boner? Can be he blamed?

    Star Trek Into Darkness Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't move his face above the nose

    Please forgive my self-induced voice boner

  • 9) How and when did Spock develop insane superpowers of leaping and punching in the face? Also — Uhura is the world champion of “No, Spock, it’s too dangerous!” up until bloody revenge is on the line. Then she’s all like, “GO GET ‘EM.”
  • 10) Why did Robocop Admiral Such-And-Such send all 72 bodies/torpedoes with Kirk? (Both Khan and the admiral explain that the admiral knew the torpedoes had bodies in them.) Did he really expect Kirk to use all 72? Or something?

    Star Trek Into Darkness Chris Pine Alice Eve grave concern

    Captain Kirk, renowned torpedo enthusiast

  • 11) Why not send a secret agent captain with the torpedoes/plan instead of patsy Kirk?
  • 12) Is anybody flipping out about all the Enterprise crew members and civilians who got killed during this movie?

A-a-a-and SPENT.

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